Beka's story: Promises of a lifetime
by Lauriena
Summary: beka pov from childhood to adulthood (see warning in story, one R part, childhood truma, harper owies, you name it)
1. the past

Summary-Why is Beka so tuff on the outside?  Was it her childhood?

A/N-A lot will be wrong cause I know nothing about Beka's past… so please be nice. The whole thing is from Beka's point of view 

Note on names: I made up a lot of the names (beka's mom-Krishna/Kris and Beka, Rafe, and Ignatius's full names)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything… well other than some beanie babies, a Bart Simpson poster, a broken pair of headphones, and a computer (don't take my computer you can have everything else if you want to sue)

Warning- this is not a light and happy childhood story it deals with stuff no child should have to go through (abuse, drug addicted parent, abandonment)

~~~*~~~

(At age four)

"Rebecca Marie Valentine get down from there!  You know you aren't supposed to hang on the coolant pipes" With a giggle I flipped over the bar I was playing on and hopped down.  The moment I hit the ground I ran to hug my Mommy.  Even when though she was mad at me she bent down and scooped me into her arms.  Clearly I wasn't in too much trouble.  She was always yelling at me to stop play around the ships engine room but like everything that was off limits it had the best toys.  As she picked me up and said, "My you're getting heavy," well making a face.

            "Rafe didn't say that.  He said I was light and the pipes would hold me no problem."  I was quick to point out.  He had said that the coolant pipes would hold me no problem just to not get caught or tell Mommy he said that, opps.

            "Oh he did, did he?  We will have to talk to Mr. Rafael about that"

            "Opps," now Rafe was going to be mad at me.

            "Don't worry honey, I'm not mad.  Your Dad is taking us all down to the planet."  A planet, planets scared me.  They were crowded, and there were people all over.  I had to stay close to Mommy or Daddy and hold one of their hands.  I hated them, but when we only went to planets for supplies or one of Daddy's jobs.

            "He got a job?"  

            "Yeah he got a job honey."  Jobs meant that Mommy and Daddy would stop fighting.  If Daddy had a job he would have money and then Mommy would be happy.

            "So are you not going to fight with him anymore?" I asked

            "Oh honey I can't promise that."

            "Why not?  Why can't you two not fight like you are always telling me and Rafe to?"  Mommy put me down on the ground.  She knelt down and put her hands on my shoulders.  Something must have been bothering Mommy she only spoke to me like this when she wanted to make sure I listened.

            "Oh baby it's not that simple, sometime me and your dad have to fight to work things out.  I am trying to make things better and sometime I have to yell at your daddy to get my point across."  How did yelling make things better?  They all were happy on the ship.

            "So it's a good thing."

            "Kinda, it's hard to explain baby, but whatever happens remember you and Rafe are not to blame" What was she talking about?  What was going to happen?

            "Oh I know that Mommy but nothing is going to happen.  Is it?"  Mommy's eyes got wet then, like when she cries and she pulled me toward her into a hug.

            "I hope not Baby.  I hope not Baby" I felt my shoulder get wet.  Mommy was crying, but mommy never cried.  My tummy began to felt weird, like when Mommy and Daddy fought.

            "There are my two favorite girls."  I heard Daddy's voice and looked up to see him standing in the door.  Mommy let me go and quickly wiped her eyes.

            "We ready to go?" Daddy asked Mommy.

            "All set, I am going to go dock.  Rafe is getting changed.  Hey Munchkin you want to be my co-pilot."  I nodded my head up and down and grabbed my daddy's hand with both of mine skipping behind him as he walked towards command.  I loved it when Daddy let me ride in his lap while he was flying the ship.  He climbed into the pilot chair and then placed me in his lap.  He put his hands on the controls and I put my hands on top on his.  When he turned his hands my hands followed.  It was almost like I was flying the ship.  Someday he was going to teach me how to be a pilot so we could fly on runs together.  For now I was just his little copilot.  I watched the dock come closer and Daddy move the controls shifting the ship.  We moved into the dock and then I felt the docking clamps take a hold of us.  "And that's how it's done.  Go grab your jacket and we will go get something to eat."

            I jumped down from the chair and ran to my room.  Well it wasn't a room but a supply closet Daddy had cleaned out for me and put a bed in.  Rafe room was just like it but down the hall.  I had pictures that Daddy gave me after his last job on the wall above my bed.  There was one of a sunset on some planet, another had a field of flowers and the third had an animal that Daddy said was a pony in it.  The rest of the walls where covered with my drawings of ships, stars and the elf and fairy creatures in the stories Mommy told to me when I fell asleep at night.  I dung into the bottom of the box that held all my clothes.  My jacket and all my other "planet stuff" always found it's way to the bottom.  I shoved everything back in reminding myself to fold it back up before mommy saw it.  But she and Daddy were in a hurry so I figure that straighten my clothes could wait, dinner couldn't.  The icky feeling in my stomach from earlier was almost completely gone and now I was hungry.

            I ran out of my bedroom and met my mommy at the door to the hanger.  Daddy soon joined us.  As we headed out into the city I stood in-between them taking Mommy's hand on one side and Daddy's hand on the other.  Rafe being almost nine and too old to hold hands tag along beside Daddy.  And so we went to go find dinner as a family.

~~~*~~~

(Two months later)

I rolled out of my bed.  My eyes were sore and I was hungry.  Mommy said we were docking on another planet soon when she made me lay down for a nap.  She and Daddy started fighting after that but I was so tired I fell asleep before I could hear what they were saying.  I was up now, but Mommy hadn't gotten me up like she normally did.  My tummy had woken me up which meant it would soon be dinner time but Mommy was not in the mess making dinner.  I wandered around the ship looking for her but she wasn't in her and Daddy's room the mess. 

Where was Mommy?  Why didn't she wake me up from my nap like she normally did?  She didn't normally let me sleep this late.  Or at least it felt late it was hard sometimes but I have learned to feel what time it is.

 I finally decided to ask Rafe where Mommy was.  I knocked on his door.  The light was on but he didn't answer.  I knocked again.

            "Rafe, Rafe, are you in there?  Rafe I'm looking for Mom do you know where she is?  Rafe"

            "So forgot you too uh, the little innocent baby left behind too.  Well She's gone little baby.  She's gone and she is never coming back."  Rafe yelled from behind the door.  His voice sounded weird, like when his nose was stuffy from a cold.  But why was he saying that.  Mommy wasn't gone, she could be at the planet shopping but she would be back.  She always came back.

            I heard a noise from command.  Daddy must be working.  He would know when Mommy was coming back.  Daddy I called as I walked onto the deck.  I almost fell over the bottles that were all over the deck.  Daddy was up by the view screen standing funny.  He wasn't standing up straight like he normally did.  He was all hunched over and looked like he was having trouble standing.  He turned around and started walking towards me but I was afraid he was going to fall.  He was wobbling around like me when Rafe spun me around in the spinning chairs making me all dizzy.  I walked up to him picking my way through the garbage on the floor.  Mommy never left Daddy be this messy; she would be made when she got back.

            "So left yur too aaa little one.  Kris didn't want any of her precious kids it seems.  Ran off and left me with both of you little monsters to look after."  Daddy smelled weird, like uncle Sid sometimes did.  He sounded funny too; I was having trouble understanding him.

            "Daddy, what's wrong… when is Mommy coming home?"  My stomach felt all funny again and there was something in my throat that was making it hard to talk.  I also couldn't breathe right. I couldn't get enough air.  Where was Mommy? I was getting sick and I needed her.  I needed her to make it all better.  She would make it all better if she was here right now.

            "Krishna, your esteemed mother isn't coming home.  She left me.  Left me to go and raise you two brats.  Must have forgotten her little baby.  Didn't seem to ever forget how long it took for each of you to get into this world.  Or how much money it took to feed and clothe you.  Never forgot to remind me how children shouldn't grow up on a starship.  I grew up on a starship and I was good enough for her to marry.  But noooo.  Kris had to go a leave.  Leave me with you spoiled brats."  With that Daddy bent down and looked me in the face.  He smelled so bad and he looked sick.  "Well I don't want you either" with that he shoved me to the deck and walked out of command.  Daddy hit me.  Daddy never hit me.  Not even when I was bad.  I wasn't hurt, but he had knocked me down.  I sat on the deck just crying among the empty bottles and puddles of the foul smelling liquid.

~~~*~~~

(At age 8)

I stood on the deck picking up the bits of garbage that Dad had left all over.  My face still stung from getting in his way last night and I didn't want another beating for the place being a mess.  Rafe had left with Dad.  They were trying to find another job.  We were out of money again and the cupboards where bare like the nursery rhyme said.  Last time me and Rafe had to take turns eating until Dad found another job.  We had hired a small crew for the last shipment to help run everything but they all left when the job was done. 

 Something about not wanting to work with a drunk who let his children runs the ship.  One of them gave me five thrones before he left and told me to keep them for myself.  Not let Dad or anyone else have it.  I liked that crew member, Nick, he had keep Dad from beating me one night when he was drunk.  He even offered to take me away from here but I had to say no.  Dad and Rafe wouldn't make it without me.  They need me.

Once command was clean I moved on to the 'crew quarters' now abandoned.  Rafe had been sleeping in here the last few nights.  It was in between my room and Dad's.  I wasn't a fool and neither was Rafe.  If someone was around then Dad behaved.  Even in front of Rafe he wouldn't touch me.  He only hit me when he was drunk and I got in his way.  When he was drinking, I was useless, just a girl, just like my mom.  Well screw my mom, I didn't know my mom.  She left me when I was just a baby.  She left me with him.   I wiped my eyes and sniffed.  Tears would do me no good.  I had to be tuff.  The officer's quarters were now clean to.

I moved on to the mess.  Dinner would have to be ready when Dad got home with Rafe.  No dinner would make Dad mad.  I had to stay ahead of him to stay out of trouble.  I was always getting into trouble, being a useless girl.  But I was going to prove myself one day.  I heard the hiss of the airlock and hurried to get the food out of the freezer and into the oven.  If it was cooking I would be ok.  Dad stumbled into the mess, clearly finding a job had been forgotten and he had found the local bar instead.

"Well princess where's dinner?"

"Coming Dad, it just needs to finish cooking."  The meals would only take five minutes to heat up I had to stall until then.  There was enough for him and a little for Rife.  I was going to have to go without food tonight.  Rafe would sneak me something after dinner.  When supplies were low Dad didn't want to waste food on the girl.  I had to cook it but not eat it.

"How much longer?"

"Not much, it's almost done."  Only a minute had past I needed to stall longer he was already getting impatient.

"Well why isn't it done?  What have you been doing all day?"

"I was cleaning and lost track of time, I'm sorry it won't happen again."

"It better not.  I better not see you slacking off with you chores again like you did last night."

"Of course not Dad"

"Good"

"You want something to drink before dinner Dad?"  Rafe asked.  I shot him a silent thank you as he got up from the table taking the heat off me.

"Yeah get me a beer."

"We're out Dad."

"How are we out, who's been drinking my beer?"  I moved towards the door ready to run and hide.  Dad was stumbling towards me when Rafe saved the day.

"Here Dad I found some whiskey from the last run.  You want that?"  He called out stopping Dad in his tracks.

"Whiskey, what do I look like some kinda of drunk.  Fine pour me a glass of it."  Rafe poured a glass and set it in front of Dad.  He went to put the bottle away but Dad motioned for it to stay put.  "You know Kris hated it when I drunk whiskey.  Said it reminded her of her pa.  He was a mean mother fucker.  But I rescued her from him.  Rescued her and let her live in space and what did she do.  Leave me with two worthless kids.  Hey where is my dinner?"

"Right here Dad.  Do you need anything else?"

"No I'm good"

"Alright have a good dinner" With that I exited the room.  The moment I knew he couldn't see me anymore I ran.  I ran into my room, I slammed the door locking it as was my habit.  I then jumped into my bed and let the tears flow.  Why?  Why?  Why, was Dad like this?  I couldn't remember what it was like before Mom left but Rafe says we were happy.  She was happy.  Why did she leave?

Why did I stay?  Even though I was still a child I knew things were bad.  I knew things weren't getting better.  Rafe talked of the next haul and how things would get better.  Things weren't getting better.

~~*~~

(12)

"Prepare for slipstream!" I called out as I climbed into the chair.  I put my hands into the controls and entered the slipstream.  I guided the ship through the weaving tunnels, it fly by at the speed of light but after two years of guiding the Maru when Dad was too high and Rafe was too busy had taught me how to handle it.  

Dad even told me I was becoming a great pilot.  Better than Rafe at my age.  How would he know though?  He was either drunk, flash fried, or sleeping these days.  There were moments that he was there but they were rare.  Rafe ran the ship these days, finding customers, running the shipments, doing repairs, and managing everything.  I helped him anyways that I could and I stayed as far away from Dad as possible.

It wasn't hard he spent most of his time in his quarters.  He would come out and wander the ship high on flash.  It was those times when Rafe or one of the temporary crew hands would have to stop him from 'making repairs' by pulling the ship apart or worst.  Sometimes he would go one for hours about nonsense things not hearing anything anybody said to him.  Oh well let the flash fried Ignatius take care of himself.  I had other things to handle.  

We were docking at the Gemmi station to make repairs but first me and Rafe had to go beg, borrow and steal parts and tools.  We were becoming a good team.  The nano-bots in my hair let me change its colors and so while they reporting the little red head that stole their wallet, I would walk by as a blonde, brunet or whatever color I felt like.

The docking clamps came down and it was time to get to work.  "Please turn on you vid screen and state your name and business."

" I'm sorry our vid screen is broken but this is Krishna Jaclyn Valentine Wife co-owner of the Maru with my husband Ignatius Harris Valentine.  We are here for repairs and supplies, permission to board."

" Permission granted."  I was always grateful that Dad had never changed the ownership on the Maru after my mom left.  Rafe and I had been pulling the trick of me being my mother for years now.  Without video most people bought the young sounding wife.

It was off to work now.  I had business to do before Dad woke up from his hangover.  All of the money was locked up but he would tear apart the ship looking for it.  I was going to have to hurry and figure out the layout of the station.  Rafe had to meet with some clients and wouldn't be able to do it.  

We were going have to be in and out in and few days.  Any longer than that and we could run into problems.  Most people thought they could take advanced of the two kids running a ship.  Little did they know.  Rafe and I were the best con-team in the galaxy.  That was the way it was always going to be, with their dad.  I am waiting for the day when her Dad over dosed on flash and the Maru was just me and Rafe's.  Till that day.

~~~~~~~

_*It's 9:00 on a Saturday night_

_No one else is home, and the lights are off_

_You're drunk again_

_And you stumble into the family room_

_You look up at the picture on the wall_

_You see daddy his wife and his little girl_

_When are you going to realized_

_You're not that girl, you're no longer his little daddy's girl_

_You need to fly_

_Spread your wings, keep flying higher_

_You don't need to cry, the time for tears has passed you by_

_Has passed you by*_

_Daddy's Girl by the Normals_


	2. the promises

A/N- I don't know why I like this story but I do.  So I am continuing even though it is done.  Harper will show up shortly I promise, next chapter, I have a plan.

This is AU because I know nothing of Beka's past so I am making it up as I write (I missed the episode with Rafe in it soo…)

~~~*~~~

_You know you want to be a painter_

_But his got you working 9 to 5 at Mcydees _(FYI McDonalds)

_He says you got to be more realistic_

_"Don't you know that dreams are only dreams?"_

_He says he knows what's best for you_

_But he doesn't know you at all_

_He says, he says, he says all kinds of things now_

_He says he'll be there when you fall_

_But…_

_Daddy's girl- normals_

~~~*~~~

            "Take me with you Rafe, please, don't leave me here with him."

            "I can't, I'm 18 now I can legally leave, but if I take you with me then we are runaways.  In four years I'll come for you.  I'm not going to leave you alone forever in this hell hole."

            "Why can't you wait till we can leave together?"  I tried to hold the tears back but they started rolling down my face.

            "Bek, I am going to be earning money so we can get our own ship.  If I stay it will just get worst.  He's going to throw me out soon if I'm not careful.  It's better I leave on my own terms."

            "I'm never going to see you again."

            "Yes you will"

            "No, no people say that, but people lie.  Everyone one says they'll take me away but they never do.  I'm still here Rafe.  I'm still with him.  I can't get away."  I was starting to gasp for air I had been crying so hard.  Tears and fluid from my nose flowed down my face.  I couldn't think.  

Rafe was leaving, he never coming back.  Not for me.  Countless crew hands had promise to come and take me away.  My mom would send a vid card every other year.  They always said the same thing; 'love you, miss you, I'm saving up money to come and take you away, till then be strong, love mom'. 

 I hadn't seen since the day she disappeared.  I only knew my mom from the card she sent when she thought of it.  They didn't even come on my birthday.  They always said happy birthday but it wasn't my birthday when I got it. It would be months before or after.  Rafe would always say be grateful 'she didn't even think to send him something.'

Again I was crying as I was left by another family member.  Atleast Rafe had the heart to say goodbye.  He didn't slip off while I was sleeping.  Maybe the way mom left was better.  I didn't have to look into her face and know what she was saying was all lies.  That she didn't want to live with me anymore.  Everyone said it was my dad but why didn't they take me with them.  I was the problem, Dad was a flash fried manic and I was a nuisance.  A problem child no one wanted to be with.

Rafe reached out his arms to give me a hug but I stepped back, shaking my head.  "Bek, come on chief, you know I would never leave you.  What would I do without my captain, boss, pilot, and little con-artist?"  Through the tears I smiled when listed off my nicknames.  He never called me Rebecca or even Beka.  It was our own special thing.  "That's my little sis.  Come on give me a hug and I will come back to see you soon."  I planted my face into his chest leaving my tears and snot all over his clothes.

"I'm all over you."

"That's ok, I promise, I'll be back.  I'm not going to leave you."

"Promise"

"Look at me Boss, I promise, I will come back and take you away the moment you turn 18 and I will come and visit you every chance I get until that day"

"Okay" I sniffed and wiped off my face.  "You're going to keep that promise"

"Have I ever broken a promise I made to you little one?"

"No"

"Well I am not about to start" With that he wrapped me up into a big bear hug and squeezed me so tight I couldn't breathe.  I hugged him back, trying to drawn life from him as he did the same with me.  I buried my face into his chest and started crying again.

"I don't want to lose you"

"Chief I am coming back" With that he pulled me off of him and turned to the airlock.  "I have to go before he wakes up captain, your in charge now, just don't let him know it boss."  I sniffed fighting back a tear.  He walked out the airlock and on to the planet.  I wiped away the tears and shouted to the ship.

"Open comms to the station.  This is the Erka Maru requesting permission to launch."

"Permission granted, I hope you have enjoyed you stay at the Gardens and will come visit us again shortly.  Docking clamps will be released in 5, 4, 3, 2" I broke into a run and hoped into the slipstream chair.  I got my hands into the controls as I felt the clamps release.  I piloted into orbit as I fled the planet.  Tears rolled down as I left my brother behind me forever.  I knew that Rafe had made me the one promise he would never keep.  He wasn't the first or the last.

~~~*~~~

            "Oh honey I promise I am never going to do that again."

            "Bull shit Dad, you don't care, you've never cared."

            "This is different Beka I am clean now; I am going to say clean."

            "You have never stayed clean since she left, yeah mom, your precise Krishna.  She left you, but she also left me alone with you.  A drunk, flash fried father who can't get out of bed long enough to help his sixteen year old daughter run his ship.  But you wouldn't know that.  Didn't you even realized that you son left you?  Left because he couldn't stand you."

            "Beka I love you, I will never do that again."

            "I don't believe you.  Been burned by you and your flash too often."

            "It's gone off the ship."

            "And the next place we dock you will find some more.  I don't believe you Dad"

            "Baby I'm so sorry."  Dad walked forward to hug me but I took a step back and shook my head.  I wasn't going to believe him, wasn't going to believe the lies.  "Oh my little girl what I have done to you."

            "You abandoned me more than ten years ago.  You left me alone to raise myself with Rafe.  We learned how to do everything on our own.  You want me to believe that because you ran out of flash a month ago that everything will be better.  It's happen before dad and the next planet we come to you will get more and be back to yourself.  I'm sorry Dad I am not your little girl who trusts everything daddy says anymore."

            "We land in ten minutes.  Why don't you go buy supplies and met with the dealer, I'm going to stay in my room.  I need to think."

            I walked out of the room and taking all the money in the ship with me.  He was going to go and get some flash or liquor.  Anything to dull the pain he lived with as he put it.  I lived without her.  I lived with him and I stayed away from the drugs.  I ran the ship.  I met with the suppliers.  I was my own person.

~~~

            I walked back into the Maru after shopping "Dad, where you at?"  I wandered into the mess and dropped the food on the table.  There was a vid disk sitting on the table.  I picked it up and put it into the player.  Dad's face flashed up on the screen.

            "Rocket, I'm sorry.  Your right, I can't stay clean.  I'm going to fall back into the flash.  I wanted to stay clean to be there for you.  But you don't need me anymore.  I'm sorry Rocket.  I can't do it more.  I transferred the Maru to Rafe, it will then co-transfer to you and him when you are 18 and transfer to you completely on you 21st birthday.  Just pull your old name trick.  I love you Rocket, remember that."

            "Dad!"  I screamed running down the hallway to his room.  All of his stuff was gone.  There was a pile of thrones on the bed and a note saying 'it was all sold to the shop down the road if there is something you wanted, I didn't want to be a bother.  I done that too much to you'

            "Daddy, no, Daddy…"  I fell to the floor crying repeating Dad over and over again.

~~~*~~~

_So beautiful and young, and so alive_

_So need in of someone, someone to talk to them_

_Because theirs are fragile lives_

_What crimes have you committed?_

_Demanding such penance_

_Could wait for 5 more minutes_

_And a cry for help_

_This room is so peaceful and it so quiet_

_And I hate the silent_

_Center Aisle -Caedmons Call_

_~~~*~~~_

  It would be a day before I got off the floor and two days before I could go to the morgue and claim his body.  He gotten into a bar fight with a Neitzchien, had to look like an 'accident' for the ship to transfer to Rafe.  There was no investigation and I left two days later to bury my dad in space.  I pushed his body out an air lock as I stood in an EVA suit.  He had left me alone.  I was all alone

_~~~*~~~_

_Dear God I'm all alone now_

_But I don't want to be alone… anymore_

_Daddy's Little Girl –The Normals_

_~~~*~~~_

            "Beka I promise you, I would never lie to you"

            "I believe you Bobby"

~~~*~~~

A/N- What do you think?


	3. the new guy

A/N- sorry (it's short, it took forever to get out, and it's a cliffhanger)… school sucks….here comes Harper, this is still all from Beka's point of view.

?- are the songs and quotes adding or taking away… tell me the truth

~~~*~~~

_Maybe there's a God above_

_And all I ever learned from love,_

_Is how to shoot someone who out drew you._

_Halleluiah_

~~~*~~~

I stood staring at the airlock.  I didn't realize how long I had been there.  I didn't even hear Harper walk up behind me.  I don't know how long he stood there, looking at me, looking at an airlock.  It was just a door.  A door that people used to get on and off the ship.  How many times had I walked through that airlock?  How many times had I stood in front of it saying goodbye?  How many more people would leave me through this door?

"Whach ya looking at boss?"  The voice made me jump.  I turned around reaching for the gun I keep on my hip at all times.  "Woo woo," he shouted putting he's hands out and backing up.  "I didn't mean to startle you,"  

I relaxed and took my hand off of the gun.  It was just the mudfoot.  What was I going to do with him?  He wouldn't eat much I could tell that by looking at him.  A strong breeze could blow him over he was so thin.  He stood about the same height as me.  I could easily take him in a fight.  He wouldn't be a danger to me, I could tell that from looking at him.  I would keep him around until I got tired of him or he jumped ship.  I could use an engineer that knew what he was doing.  I could do most of the repairs but it would be nice to have a spare hand.

"Ummm, boss?"

"Yeah"

 "Just checking you were kinda staring off into space, you going to do something with the airlock or just stare at it all night?"

"It's night already."

"Ya, you've been looking at the airlock for about three hours since we threw Bobby out.  I mean I don't know the guy but…"

"No you didn't know him.  The crew quarters are down the hall.  Pick any bunk you want there and sheets and all that in the closet on the wall.  Mess is to the right.  If you're hungry there is some food in the storage bins.  Do you need anything else?"

"No, "I'll be fine.  How about you?"

"Listen we just met I don't want to be spilling my life story"

"That's fine I bet you could beat my life at some points.  Magog invading my village, watching my cousins die of infestation, eating dirt to keep my stomach full…."

"I don't want to hear your life story either!"

You might not want to hear it but I have to tell it.  You see I can't keep it inside; talking helps the pain go away.  Remember that."

"Excuse me you're a mudfoot not at quack."

"I'm a little bit of everything."

"Well fine mister knower of all, genius of the universe why don't you go impart you wisdom to someone else and leave me alone."

"Later Captain"

I heard him walk with his feet dragging down the hallway.  Harper, he was just another crew member, another mouth to feed before they got tired of her and left, it was a never ending cycle.  

~~~*~~~

            "You need something kid," I asked.  That mudfoot was always hanging in the shadows around me when he finished a job, too timid to ask for another job but not stupid enough to wait for me to find him.  After the first day he came aboard he hadn't talked much at all, well not to me.  I had heard him talking to the ship.  Actually it was more like flirting with the ship; it made me laugh every time I heard him.  'Come on baby, be a good girl for Harper, you know you want to.'  I was used to the strange behaviors of crew members but flirting with the ship was a new one.

            I missed the sounds of crew on a ship.  It was too quiet without Bobby or my dad around.  Harper was so quiet it was easy to forget he was around.  Although every time I had forgotten about him he popped up talking about some sort of nonsense thing.  He never talked and when he did he didn't make any sense.  Well I had put up with weird crew members before I could do it again.

            "Nope, I'm fine Boss.  You have something you need done?"  He still stood in the shadows leaning up against the wall.  Normally he sprung up from were he was when I entered a room and ran to see what I needed.  His whole posture was wrong.

            "You sure you ok Kid?"

            "Yup fine!"  He answered so quickly almost declaring something was wrong.  What did he do?  What was he up to?

            "Did you finish the last of those repairs on the drive?"

            "Yea but we are going to need some parts before I can finish it completely."

            "Alright" I start towards engineering motioning Harper to follow.  I wanted to see these repairs.  Why was he behaving so strangely had he done something to my ship?

            I got to the drive and started to crawl under to see the repair work when I heard a thump.  I turned around at the noise and saw Harper passed out on the deck.


	4. the 4am post

A/N- 1st thanks for those of you who review

2nd There are some flashbacks of Beka's but this still all takes place right after Harper comes aboard

3rd this is all from Beka's point of view and I do use some swearing and vulgar slang w/ both characters (sorry locker rooms and warships are not know for polite langue)

4th it is 3:30am and I am finishing this up because it has been sitting on my computer for a week bugging the hell out of me.  I promise I will edit it later so you can understand it.  Last time I typed when I was tired I told my friend "no pysch time, me sleep day"  I think I meant to say 'no time for psych today I am sleeping in.'

_~~~*~~~_

_Dysfunctional people are prepared for anything. Hey, once you've driven your drunk father to Mom's parole hearing, what else is there? –Titus (fox.com)_

~~~*~~~

            I was skipping down the hallway.  Me and Rafe had been playing all day in the main room and it was time for dinner.  Rafe had cooked I had set the table and now I was going to get dad.

            "Daddy, time for dinner," I skipped up to his door and knocked.  He didn't answer so I entered.  "RAFE!"  I screamed, turning and running for my brother.  Tears flowed down my five year old face.  My father was lying so still on the bed I knew he had to be dead.

~~

I shook my head trying to come back to reality.  My father had passed out on the bed high from flash.  I didn't know that at the time.  Rafe just told me 'Daddy was sick' and 'he needed to rest and would get better.'  I believe him then.  Well I always believed Rafe, even when I knew what he was saying was lies to protect me.  The still form of Harper bore a striking similarity to the pass out form of my father those many years ago.  Both lying so still and barely breathing.

My legs were shaking as I walked up to Harper.  I was breathing so fast I knew I would soon hyperventilate.  It would do neither of us any good if I passed out on the deck.  In, out, in, out I repeated in my head slowing my breathing.  Considerate on the situation, considerate on Harper, don't think about the past, think about now.

            I somehow made it to the still form of Harper and knelt down.  He was shit faced. I sniffed for liquor but smelled none.  I shifted placing his head in my lap.  I didn't even think about it, it was the habit of checking out my dad all those times I found him passed out… Don't think about that I reminded my self, turning my mind back to Harper.  I lifted up his eyelids, no telltale white marks of flash.  I rolled up his sleeves looking for track marks.  I even looked between his fingers.  I thought about taking off his boots and checking between his toes but I don't think he would have gone to that much trouble to hide his habit from me.  I sat with his head in my lap debating my next action.  What was wrong with this kid?

            Harper moaned and moved his head.  "Come on kid, wake-up"

            "Don't call me kid."  I let out a sigh of relief.  He was up and knew what was going on.

            "Fine Harper, what did you take?"

            "Take?"  He asked coughing the word out.

            "You know what I mean, flash, meth, heroin, booze," His eyes got real big and he tried to push himself off the floor but fell back into my lap.

            "Nothing Boss, I don't do that stuff.  What kind of a junkie do you take me for?  Just because I am from earth does not mean I shoot up.  Do you think I would have made it this far doing that shit?  I…" but Harper was interrupted by a fit of coughing.  He had started talking in his normal voice just a little horse but had worked his way up to a yelling, ranting almost.  It seemed too much for his body to handle as the coughs racked his entire body.  

My thoughts were interrupted as he cried out "gone spew."  I got his meaning just in time to roll him over, away from me.  He then proceeded to empty his guts all over my deck.  This was part of living with my dad that I was defiantly not missing.  He finished with another coughing fit and then rolled back again resting on my legs.

"Sorry Boss"

"Yea well you are going to be even sorrier when I figure out what you are on."

"Fuck you, I haven't taken anything."

"Why would I believe you mudfoot?"

"Because I am a mudfoot, because I know how messed up it makes you.  Makes you stupid, makes you dead."  With that he closed his eyes and took a breath.  Thinking over his next thought, "you think you could help me to my bunk, I'll clean this up in the morning.  I just can't right now."

            I lifted the mudfoot to his feet and started walking toward the crew quarters taking most of his weight.  He was hot and sweating profusely.  I could feel him shaking as I carried him to the quarters and placed him in his bunk.  As soon as he was there he grabbed the garbage can and again emptied his stomach.  He took his head out of the container only to grab his stomach, moan and run straight for the bathroom.  It was going to be a long night.  I sat on the edge of his bunk waiting for him to come out.  It was almost 15 minutes before Harper came out of the bathroom.  His face a shade of green and he was standing hunched over his stomach.  He landed on the bed in a heap and curled up into a ball, whimpering, moaning, and clearly trying not to show how miserable he was.

            "What was?"

            "Boss, how many times do I have to tell you…"

            "I haven't taken anything, yea yea I have heard you Harper, but why then are you so sick."

            "If I knew I would tell you, but first I have to go to the bathroom again."  With that he left me and ran towards the bathroom.  After listening to him dry heave for a few minutes I got up and stood just outside the door of the bathroom.  "It's not drugs Boss, hell the only drug I have taken is whatever is in Sparky Cola."  I had to smile the mudfoot drank that stuff down like no other.  Not even Rafe was so fond of the sweet drink.  I shook the memories of my brother out of my head.  I had other things to deal with, mainly a sick crew member.  What was I going to do with Harper?  I wanted to believe that he hadn't taken anything but experience told me that what people said and did was often the opposite.

~~~

            I put the shirt over my head still warm from the dryer.  I stood there enjoying the warmth of the shirt.  It felt good against my tired muscles.  Harper was finally starting to feel better.  He had spent the last two days 'praying to the porcelain god' as Rafe use to say.  I heard the muffled footsteps of the mudfoot coming down the hallway into the main room.  I came out of corner that had the clothes washer and dryer in.  "How you feeling kid."

            "Don't call me kid," he grumbled back.  He pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.  He put his head in his hands trying to catch his breath.  The short trip down the hall had completely wiped him.

            "Think you could keep some soup down or you want to stick plain ration bars."

            "Soup, I think eating another one of those this will make me yak again.  They have no flavor; it's like eating dirt only worst."

            "They're not that bad."

            "No I've eaten dirt, they're worst."  Somehow I didn't doubt his words.  I had never known one of my father's hangovers to last this long or for him to take this long to confess to having taken something to get high.  Flashes of my childhood entered my mind.

            Dad standing over the biological waste disposal unit having just gotten up from emptying his stomach.  "That's it rocket I am never taking that again."  He said as he released the contents into space.  "I'm staying clean the come down is too hard."

            Too hard to stay sober long, too hard to stay with me and fight the addiction, so hard he decide he had to go pick a fight and get killed.  The injury may have happen years ago but it still ached when the weather changed.  The right stimulus always sent tears to my eyes.

            "Boss, Boss, you there?"  The mudfoot's voice broke through my memories.  I turned to get some food out of the cooler and quickly wiped the tears forming in my eyes.  That mudfoot would never see me cry.  Never see me be weak.  I was never weak.  Never around a crew member, especially a worthless mudfoot.

~~~*~~~

            "Hey boss"  I jumped as I heard Harper's voice coming from one of the ducts.

            "Don't scare me like that."

            "Sorry didn't mean to."

            "That's ok and be careful up there."

            "Yea, yea I know."

            "Well I don't want anything to happen to my only engineer."

_~~~*~~~_

_Trust. That funny little five letter word that people use to let you know that they accept you. It's funny how hard it is to give trust, but how easy it is to snatch it away. _

_(I honest don't remember where I got this quote from)_

sorry it's so short… more and longer after I get done editing 6 english paper… sorry


	5. Tim

Ok huge thanks to Raven; you comment blew away the writer's block I have had with the last two chapters.  Everyone else thanks I didn't know if it was good or bad and I still haven't slept in the past week, seen the sun set and rise every night.

~~~*~~~

_Even stronger support comes from primate studies: social isolation impairs the immunity and health of monkeys, and animals put into stressful environments that would normally suppress their immune systems are buffered from that happening if they are in the company of friends._

_Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers ~ Robert M. Sapolsky (aka my pysch book)_

(this doen't really fit with this chapter but it makes me think of Harper and it could fit if I stretched it)

~~~*~~~

            I stood over looking engineering.  I could hear Harper auguring with one of the new crew guys.  Harper and I had been together for more than a year now.  In that time we had had few crew members come and go.  I was always in charge and Harper had found his nitch as chief engineer.  I had never assigned him the job, he never took the command of it but everyone saw it.  Harper was free to go at anytime but the mudfoot stayed.  He was being to fill out.  He would never be fat I could tell that about him, but he was no longer painfully thin.  He was still a twig though.

            Customers and crew member saw him as an easy target because of his size.  In the year and a half I had known him I had seen Harper defend himself against enough people to know he could handle himself.  He wasn't a fighter.  We both knew that.  He avoided them at all costs, but when fighting broke out he always managed to duck, dive, roll, and pled his way out of danger.  I had also seen him put a knife through a guys hand, weld a person's foot, and kick where people shouldn't many times.  He fought dirty, not surprising given his size but surprising given his personality.  I had found Harper to be kind, generous and his dead pan humor a bright spot in the tougher times.

            Two months after Bobby I hired a guy to be our muscle for a run; he turned out to be a low life creep.  He hit Harper repeatedly behind my back.  I knew what was going on; facial bruises don't leave much doubt.  What I remember most about it though was Harper after one beating barely able to stand cracking jokes about his career as a beauty queen being ruined to me.  He always had a smile on his face.  

A fake smile at times, but there where times when I saw the real Harper's smile shining through.  When he repaired a part so badly damage everyone thought it was past hope or the time he redesigned the senors so we could scan twice the distance before.  There were also those times when the smile was so fake it hurt.  The times when I would come into his quarters at night, after the screaming from his nightmares were so loud the whole ship woke up.  I stopped waking him because he would just smile and say it was about some horror flick he watched as a kid.  We both knew the truth but he never shared.  I cleaned out the old closet that use to be my bedroom as a kid and gave it to Harper.  I said it was because he was staying around longer than most of the temporary crew.  

The real reason was so that the temporary crew didn't lynch him for waking them up at night.  The closet was right next to the captain quarters.  Once my parent's bedroom, then just my father's, now mine.  I was also the closest to Harper's quarters and first to hear his cries at night.  

These days when he woke me up I would go down the hall and just sit on the floor next to the mattress on the floor that severed as his bed I would hold his hand, play with his hair and try to calm his fears.  I found myself going to his room some nights even when his screams didn't wake me up in the night.  The screams only came when the nightmares were bad.  No screaming didn't mean that Harper slept peacefully, once a month I would check in on him and see him sleeping quietly.  His wild hair was starting to remind me of Rafe.

The sound of crashing parts woke me up from my thoughts.  I looked down to see Harper picking himself up off the ground.  The crew hand, Tim, I think, was standing over him.  We, I had hired Tim to assist Harper for the next cargo run; it was just the three of us for now.  He was twice Harper's size and had more muscles than your average body builder.  I lend over the rail and yelled at the pair trying to break up the fight that was forming.

"Hey, break it up."

"I would but your mudfoot started a fight with me."

"And that's why he is on the ground bleeding."

"Hey he started it, doesn't mean I didn't finish it."

"I find that hard to believe, go to the main room there's some wiring in there that needs to be looked at."  The crew member grabbed the railing pulling himself up onto the ramp next to me, making it a point to stand next to me, showing off his large stature.  He walked out giving me the look of death the whole time.

"Boss, I'm sorry about that, that guy just went off I swear I didn't start that fight…"

"Harper can it.  I know you, and I know you didn't start that fight."

"Thanks"

"Hey we been in this thing together for a year now, Tim been on board for two days.  Who does he think I am going to trust?"  Harper nodded and climbed up on the ramp next to me.  I lightly but my hand on Harper's back and lead him along the ramp.  He didn't jump today.  It was iffy touching Harper, some days I could, some days he would tense up under the simplistic touch.  I knew that he had been hurt on earth.  Maybe that was why we fit so well together, we both had our pasts.

"So what repairs are left before we head off this time…"

~~~*~~~

            "Out, now!"  I yelled at crew hand Tim.  I had found him pumbling Harper in engineering this morning.  Harper was a mess but what I was able to gather from him before he passed out from the pain was he caught Tim stealing parts.  I had managed to get Harper back to his quarters and resting before I went to deal with Tim.  I found the guy leaning on the bulkhead outside of Harper's room.

            "So what lies did the mudfoot tell you?"  He said in a cool voice.

            "He said you where stealing parts."

            "Total lie, I caught him stealing parts; he said he would pin it on me if I didn't do what he told me too.  I told him no and he went after me with a knife."

            "So where is this knife now?"  I knew Harper carried a knife but it was still in his boots when I took them off, after putting him in bed.

            "How am I to know?  I knocked it out of his hands and he started going after me with his hands, clawing at my face."

            "Your face looks fine to me."

            "I know how to dodge, runt didn't."

            "So you beat him till he couldn't move, the kid may have internal bleeding.  As is he can barely move."

            "Severs him right."

            "No one deservers that, get off this ship now."

            "On this dive of a station?"

            "Yes, no one goes after my crew, especially Harper."

            "What do you see in that mudfoot?"

            "More than I will ever see in you get out."  Tim's face changed and fast as lighting he swung at me.  At first I just thought that Tim had hit me but then I feel warm liquid running down my side.  At that point my thoughts were a jumble but I knew that I was going to die.  I backed up to the bulkhead and slid down the wall holding on to the knife now sticking out of my side.

            "You're not going to see much of anything anymore woman," Tim said as he spat on me walking down the hall.  "Worthless women, let emotions get in the way, sentimental fools," I heard him mutter as he walked down the hall and out the airlock.  Tears started down my face.  I was going to die, alone and bleeding on the deck of the Maru.

~~~*~~~

_Never in all the years I'd lived in our select family had I known the few I'd experienced tonight, the vulnerability, the sheer terror.  And there was to be no sudden relief from it.  No sudden sense of safety.  Only that relief which weariness at last imposes, when neither mind nor body can endure the terror any longer._

_Interview with the Vampire ~Anne Rice_

~~~*~~~

~yup I am cruel, but I promise I will update soon, only 2 finals left *dances around room*


	6. childhood dreams or nightmares

A/N- sorry this took so long.  I got home fri and got the computer set-up tonight, Tues.   Half of this was written while I was still at school and stressing over finals and the rest is here at home trying to find a job and not drive the parents up the walls (really I didn't mean to miss dinner three days in a row).  But I am totally happy right now, I get to go to Peru this summer, only have to find $1000.

About the story this is totally AU because I don't think this is the order characters joined the Maru and I don't think this character came aboard this early on, but well they demanded to be written in here.

~~~*~~~

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."  -_**Franklin D. Roosevelt**_

~~~*~~~

            I sat on the deck watching my blood drain out of my body.  I don't know how long I sat there, watching myself dying.  I do remember thinking I had never seen that much blood come out of one person.  The blood seemed to be everywhere.  How did one cut bleed that much.  

All I do remember was Harper crawling out of his room and putting his hands on my side.  I think he was swearing a rosary at the time but it's all foggy.  He took off his shirt, already covered in his blood from Tim's earlier beating and pressing it on to my side.  The pain when he did this was intense.  I bucked against the pain but he stayed put pressing down around the knife that was still in me.  

I reached down to pull it out but he stopped me, "Trust me boss, it's better if it stays put."  He said in a defeated voice.  I could see from his action this was not his first time dealing with a friend bleeding to death from a knife wound.   "I am going for help, don't go anywhere."  I wanted to yell back I would fight the urge to get up and do a jig but I couldn't get the air.  He patted my shoulder and he got up slowly got up showing his earlier injuries as he walked down the hallway hand to his ribs and dragging his foot.  He turned back to me, leaning up against the bulkhead already out of breath.  

When he had his breath back enough he said with a smile "Oh and while you are resisting the urge to do a jig, stay awake."  I gave him as much as a smile as I could mange.  I tired to stay awake, I knew if I closed my eyes it could be the last time.  I couldn't though my eyelids where so heavy there was no way I could stay awake till he got back.  I don't remember much of the next few days.

~~~

            The first thought that entered my head when I woke up was that I should be in more pain.   I had never been knifed before but I knew that it should hurt.  I should feel like I was just hit by a speeding transport but I didn't.  I opened my eyes, the light burned, but then I saw a flash of purple and the light faded down again.

            "You're awake boss," I heard Harper's horse voice say.  I turned to look at him.  My eyes still hurt and my head was heavy but I didn't feel like I had been knifed and left to die.  "Nice to see you back among the living."

            I found myself staring at the mudfoot who had saved my life.  His face was still swollen from Tim's fist and I could see the bags under his eyes.  "Come on Harper, she's awake, why don't you go to bed."  I heard a female voice say.  I didn't recognize the voice but I knew it must have been the help Harper had gone and found.

            "I'm fine, I want to stay and talk to Beka."

            "Harper, I'm fine, go get some rest you look like hell."  I managed to get out, my voice was hoarser than Harper's, and I wondered how long I had been out of it.  Long enough to get a new crew member it looked like.  Whoever the new girl was she knew her stuff, she had managed to patch up both me and Harper, well I was assuming she patched up Harper.  Where had he found her?  Harper could barely stand, yet he had found the energy to hire someone to help me, the kid was full of surprises.

            "Really I'm fine…"  Harper's words where cut off by a coughing fit.  One hand covered his mouth and the other went around his ribs.  When the fit ended he rubbed his side with a grimace.  Tim must have done a number on his ribs too.

            "That's it kid, you are going to bed" I managed to say, trying to sound commanding.  He just nodded as he was hit by another coughing fit.

            "Really boss its worst than it sounds."

            "Well it sounds pretty bad."  Looking at Harper again I could see how worn out he was.  He was slumped in a chair by my bed.  His eyes were half closed; his forhead was covered in sweat and general he looked like crap.  He still wore the evidence of Tim's beating and it looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

            "Come on, you go rest, and so can Beka.  You're both going to be fine."  Again the soft female voice said.  She was still out of my range of vision I was so busy concentrating on Harper.

            "So you going to listen to us Harper or do I have to drag your sorry ass off to bed," I said.  I could barely hold in the laugh. The knife wound dragging the beaten off to bed.  For my next trick…

            "I'm going, women."  With that Harper slowly got up and I followed him with my eyes as he walked out of the room.  About halfway out of my room he lost his balance and started to fall but a purple figure caught him before he fell.  I had to wipe my eyes at that point.  Purple, our savior was purple?  Growing up going from space colony to colony I got use to creatures of all different colors, shapes, and textures.  But it still surprised me to see new combinations.  As she walked out the door supporting Harper I got a new surprise.  She had a tail.

~~~*~~~

_The decks were covered in blood.  Someone had been hurt; I heard there screams but I couldn't find them.  I ran down the hall the screams filled my head.  I ran down the decks but I couldn't get passed the storage closets and into the main room.  I slipped on the blood and found myself flat on my back.  _

_The pain radiated through my whole body.  I let out a scream before I could catch myself.  The body of Tim was standing over me with a bloody knife in his hand.  I chocked on the lump that was now forming in my throat.  _

_As I tried backing away from him he began taunting me.  "Weak women, couldn't save herself on her own ship, had to have a worthless mudfoot help her."  I shook my head no as my back made contact with the bulkhead.  All I could do was look at Tim as he sent his knife down to kill me.  _

_I let out a scream as the form of Tim transferred into my father, "Rocket what have you done with my ship; I never should have trusted you with it.  Should have let you rot on some station as a kid when your mom left you with me.  She didn't want you why did I keep you?  Why did I waste my time and money trying to teach a girl how to run a ship?  You're weak rocket, you'll never be strong, and you're a girl."  Tears flowed down my face.  I felt my father take me by my shoulders and starting to shake me._

~~~*~~~

            "Boss, come on Beka wake up."  I sat straight up.  I heard a bump and saw Harper's wild hair peeking up from the edge of the bed.  As he was picking himself off the floor.  I shook the cobwebs out of my head.  Rubbing his head Harper said with a smile "our first time in bed together and you kick me out."  I let out a laugh.  The imagines from my nightmare were still fresh in my head.

            "So you going to ask me what it was about or are we both going to pretend that you just wandered into my room in the middle of the night to wake me up, land on the floor, and crack a bad joke?"  I asked.

            "You're the boss, Boss"

            I found myself holding back another laugh.  I let out a sigh.  I wasn't ready to talk about this; I think Harper understood that though.  He got up and gave me one last look.  "See you in the morning, but no more thrashing around, you'll have a hell of a time explaining to Trance how you pulled out her stitches."

            "So where did you find this Trance?"  Harper ran his hand though his hair and sort of did a little dance where he stood.

            "I didn't find her, she found me."

            "She found you?"  Harper shifted back and forth a little more.

            "Honestly boss I don't remember much I was in pretty bad shape, I don't know how far I got in the station, I just remember her picking me up off the ground and taking me back to the Maru."

            "You expect me to believe that."

            "I don't expect you to believe it; I don't even believe it and I was there."

            "So she is our blessed savior, who came out of nowhere."

            "I guess so Boss."

            "Ok while I think I need to sleep on this, you better get back to bed too, you look like shit."

            "Gee thanks."

~~~*~~~

            _I woke up in my childhood bedroom.  I looked at the walls.  Harper's posters of girls, starships and some unknown earth bands where gone.  The pictures that had hung there during my childhood were back.  I walked up and touched a family picture I had drawn when I was three, three blobs of color standing next to each other.  The purple blob had a green one on top of it.  It was my mom holding me.  I wrapped my arms around my sides remembering how safe I felt in her arms.  It was the safest place in the world; I was protected from all harm in my mother's arms._

_            As my figures brushed over the picture I heard my mother's laugh.  "Mom?" I found myself asking.  I looked around for my mom.  "Over here Bek, I am waiting for you"_

_            "Where Mommy?  Where are you?"_

_            "I am here munchkin."_

_            "Where?"_

_            "Open the door, I am waiting for you."  I ran to the door and threw it open.  I found myself staring into a black hole.  I struggled with the door.  I wouldn't close.  I was fighting with the door and the more I fought the weaker I found myself.  "Munchkin, come to me."  I let go of the door and found myself being sucked into the black hole.  I found myself screaming searching for r anything to hold onto.  I grabbed at the door frame but I couldn't hold on.  I was too weak.  As I was being sucked in I started to cry.  I brought my hands to my face; they were a child's hands.  I was a child.  I was back in my childhood.  "Oh darling you could never even do the simplest tasks right."  I heard my mom's voice._

_            "Mommy, mommy don't leave me."_

_            "Oh honey I can't stay, Why would I stay behind for you."_

_            "Mommy."_

_            "Bye darling, I will never see you again, but then again I don't care."_

~~~*~~~

"MOM" I found myself sitting up in my bed.

"I thought I told you to watch out for those stitches."

"Harper I thought I told you to go to bed."

"So we both aren't obeying orders."

"You're my crew"

"Yeah but I always obey my own rules." I found myself settling back into bed.  I debated walking Harper back to bed and watching him fall asleep.  I even started to figure out how badly it would hurt to walk.  "Don't think about it boss, I'll just pretend to sleep and come back here."

            "You have a thing for watching me sleep?"

            "Just here to make sure you don't rip out those stitches and has an ear.  It works for more than just listening to you scream."

            "I'm fine kid"

            "I understand…" Harper was cut off by a round of coughing.  A few months ago I asked him if he was allergic to the Maru.  He was so sick, so often.  Harper would work till he dropped, sleep for a few days and work till he dropped a month later.  The moment he started looking sick I would give him less jobs but he always found something to tinker with.  I guess it helped to keep busy, if the hands are busy so is the mind.  Harper had a sharp mind.  He didn't show what he had been through.  How did he mange it.  The coughing end but Harper remained quiet.

            "You ok kid?"

            "Fine" He croaked out.

            "Tell you what you go to bed in your room and I promise that I will scream enough to wake you and give you enough time to get down here before I wake up."

            "I'm fine really."

            "You don't look fine.  Go to bed, now, captain's orders."

            "Aye Aye Captain," Harper said with a salute.  I found myself laughing and then stopping because my side hurt too much.  "But you better hold up your end of the bargain."

            "I will Harper, Go to bed before you get any sicker."

            "I'm not sick."

            "And this is a commonwealth warship."

            "Now that would be sweet."

            "Bed!"

            "You too boss.  Do you think you could work on that warship for me?"

            "In your dreams, which you better be having shortly."  He just nodded and finally left my room.  I stared up at the ceiling.  If I went to bed I would just have another nightmare.  They were so strange.  Why was I having them now?  I had dealt with my mom and dad.  What was wrong with me?

~~~*~~~

_            I was back in my room.  I remember this dream mom, I yelled out to the ceiling.  Wait why was I remembering this dream?  It couldn't be a dream then, could it?  I stared at the walls.  Back were the drawings but they weren't the happy ones of fairies and elves from my childhood.  The wall were covered in drawings of black holes, gauss guns firing into crowds of people, ships being fired at by unseen targets, ships being blown apart._

_ There were people in the pictures too.  Even though they were childhood drawings I could almost identify the people in them.  One looked like my father.  He was standing next to a beautiful ship and young women came out of the ship and kissed him.  Two children also came out of the ship.  Without warning the women turned and punched the man, my father, in the gut.  He doubled over and when he came back up the ship was in disarray the children clothes were rags.  He turned away from them with his eyes covered by black x's.  He got in the ship and flew away leaving the two children.  The view shifted to inside the ship.  Equipment fell around the man as he keeps flying.  The ship had a porthole in the black and you could see the two children standing in their rags.  They grew smaller but were always visible.  I couldn't watch anymore. _

_I turned to another drawing.  In this one, there was a woman holding a girl.  They were clearly mother and daughter and it looked like my mother and me.  I wore a pink dress with lace.  I had never owned a dress like that.  I would have stained it up too quickly or worst ripped it.  They both were smiling and happy.  Then the picture began to change.  The women threw the girl out of the picture and her clothes changes from a white dress to black hooker boots, a short skirt and a tight top.  She had a big smile and men wandered in and out of the picture.  She was laughing with each person and the little girl would wander in the picture only to be ignored by her mother.  Tears formed in my eyes.  The two pictures then began to burn.  I tired to beat back the flames but the harder I tried to put out the fire the faster it burned the paper.  While it didn't burned me I could see the people in the pictures turn to me and scream at me to stop the flames and save them.  The flames continued to grow and soon the pictures figures inside of them were gone._

_Tears clouded my eyes, but I could see more drawing with figures in them.  One of them had a boy running from a starship.  The next one had a boy with blonde hair being beaten by a gang of men twice his size.  More drawings filled my mind.  A girl surrounded by bills.  A man dying in alley alone.  The paper fell off the wall and started piling on top of me.  I was dying in a pile of paper.  I tried to get them off me but I couldn't move my arms._

_~~~*~~~_

Come on Beka, I need you to wake up" I heard a soft voice call to me.  I found myself back in my current bed room.  The walls had no childhood drawings, maps, bills, and hard vid files.  I was awake.  I was out of that nightmare.  But where was Harper.  I looked around the room but the new purple girl must have known my question.  She nodded her head towards the other side of my bed.  Harper was sleeping on a chair with his had one the bed.  He was holding one of my hands.  In my panic I hadn't felt it.

            "He should be in bed."  His face was flush, Harper was sick again, and making himself sicker.

            "He needed to be here.  I need to change you bandage.  I'm Trance, I don't know if Harper told you my name."

            "I think he mentioned it.  So what are you Trance?"

            "Do a little bit of everything, right now I am a medic" She gently removed the bandage from my side and placed an ointment on my side and another bandage.  "You can get up today if you feel up to it.  Just try and get some sleep tonight if you do."  So even the new girl had heard my cries, I grimace.  "You shouldn't be in any pain."

            "No I'm fine, Trance. Right?"

            "Yeah, so do you want to eat in the main room or breakfast in bed?"

            "How about the main room, let Harper sleep a little longer."  With a smile Trance held out her hand and helped me off the bed.  She was strong for such a small thing.  Well she was the only member of the crew currently not staying up all night with nightmares while getting over 'Tim.'

_~~~*~~~_

_            The room was back.  Could I get through a night without visiting my old room?  This is Harper's room now I cried out to the sprits that be.  The walls didn't respond this time.  There was no pictures, no voices, nothing.  My bed sat on the floor bare.  My box of clothes sat empty at the foot of the bed.  Where were all my things?  It could have been anyone's room.  I sat on the bed and drew my legs up to my chest.  I felt so alone.  The only comfort was the small space.  I had grown up comforted by tiny spaces.  Growing up on a space ship I was use to the cramped quarters._

_            The mattresses seem larger, like it was when I was a child.  The whole room seemed bigger.  It was no longer like when I was a child but like the main room only the bed still was taking up most of the room.  The room wasn't growing I was shrinking.  I curled up closer and hugged my knees.  Tears flowed down my cheeks.  Then I felt arms wrap around me.  I held on tight to those arms and buried my head into the person's chest.  They continued to hold me.  Although I was so small they stood there and protected me from the world.  I knew I was safe in these arms.  They would not let anyone harm me._

~~~*~~~

Through struggle to the stars." -**Motto of the Mulvany family**

~~~*~~~

If you didn't figure it out italics are Beka's dreams along with the quotes this chapter.  Thanks for reading all that and tell me if it was good and I should continue.


	7. friends?

A/N- thanks to everyone who reviewed. You guy are the ones who give me the ideas of where to go, I don't know why "lol" inspires me but it does.  
  
  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Girl you know she acts so tough tough tough  
  
till you turn off the lights, turn off the lights,  
  
you know girl she acts so rough rough rough  
  
till you turn off the lights, turn off the lights  
  
-Nell Furturado  
  
(I am not sure on that so don't flame me if I got it wrong, tell me I will change it)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"Harper I'm fine, now go back to your room and sleep. It can not be good for you to sit in that chair every night."  
  
"But Boss…"  
  
"Harper I will sit outside your door and make sure you obey me." I lifted up my shirt showing what was left of the knife wound. "Look completely healed, not even much of a scar.  
  
"Cause that was the reason I have been sleeping in here the last weeks. Or do you want to play another round of pretend."  
  
"Pretend is a good game and we both play it well."  
  
"Boss…"  
  
"Harper, I don't talk, you don't talk. We just sit by each other bed at night and chase away the boggy men. It works well but it's my turn. You don't need to keep up your vigil."  
  
"Fine Boss, I'll see you in the morning." With that he stormed out of the room. Why did a simple conversation feel like such a fight?  
  
"Beka?" I turned to see Trance standing in the door.  
  
"What's up Trance?"  
  
"I just was wondering if you and Harper are ok."  
  
"We're fine Trance; he just won't do things that are for his own good."  
  
"I just hate to see such good friends fight." Friend? Harper was not my friend, he was my crew. But I didn't sit by a crew member's bed at night. No crew member would ever sit by my bed at night. Tim, Nick, they were crew members. Harper was more; did that make him my friend? I had a hard time making friends growing up. Living on a ship crew members were my only company, they came and went. I had never thought of Harper as a friend. But somehow Harper had gone from a mudfoot to close friend. I didn't even see it happening.  
  
"It happens Trance, we'll get over it."  
  
"Ok Beka, you should get to bed."  
  
"Is that your medical opinion?"  
  
"No it's the advice of a friend." I must have given her a strange look because she stumbled over her next sentence. "I hoped that I have become your friend in the short time I have been here."  
  
"Yeah you have been great Trance; I just don't make friends that quickly."  
  
"That's fine as long as you need me I will be here." I just smiled and she turned and left my small room. I found myself walking into the small bathroom attached to my room and wiping tears out of my eyes. Friends, what a new idea for a simple cargo hauler's daughter.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
There is a truth even you fear-X-files (comment made to Mulder)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"Harper, Harper you in there?" I yelled walking into engineering. Harper was still sick but he insisted that he had to repair the slipstream so we could head out. We had been orbiting the station for weeks. Harper never liked staying anywhere for long, I don't know if he learned it from earth or me. Together the two of us always were off somewhere new every few days. We both had ghosts where running from. It helped to be busy and on the go. They stayed further behind you that way. "Harper! Come oh Harper where you at?" I yelled again. Harper was normally quick to respond. I wonder for a moment if Harper was still mad at me about our fight last night. I hoped down from the walkway and looked around. "Harper, come on out Kid!" It was then that I turned around and saw him passed out on the decks.  
  
Again visions of my father passed through my head. I shook them out of my head. "TRANCE" I yelled towards the direction of the main room. I ran over to the still form of my engineer and friend. "Trance I need you in engineering now, it's Harper." I slid my legs under Harper so he was lying with his head in my lap. It was almost a year ago we were in this same position. I remember how I believed he had to have been on drugs. Now I knew the truth, Harper had worked himself till he dropped, again. "Come on Harper, I need you to wake-up. Come on kid open your eyes."  
  
Harper let out a groan. I let out a sigh of relief. "Going to be a slight delay on those repairs boss."  
  
"He's up and cracking jokes. Good to see you awake." Trance came into engineering and stood beside me and Harper. "Come on let's get you back to bed."  
  
"You know the longer you chain me to my bed the longer we are stuck here."  
  
"Yeah but the longer you are sick the longer I have to put up with you passing out all over my ship. I thought we got over this Shay."  
  
"Harper"  
  
"Whatever kid." I was met with a glare as Trance and I hauled Harper back to his room. Trance then proceeded to lock me out while she cared for Harper. What was the point of being captain if no one listens to you? I leaned on the wall next to Harper's door  
  
and waited Trances exit.  
  
~~~  
  
"He'll be fine Beka."  
  
"Yeah but you don't know him like I do. He is always getting sick and he doesn't recover like normal people."  
  
"He'll be fine Beka, trust me."  
  
"Trust you I just met you."  
  
"Have I given you a reason not to trust me?"  
  
"It's not that Trance."  
  
"Then what is it Beka?"  
  
"If I knew I would tell you, now will you let me in to see him?"  
  
"He's sleeping now, but that seems to be when he needs you the most." I gave her a half smile as I entered the room. Harper looked so small curled up on the mattress. His eyes moved back and forth under his eyelids, already dreaming. I sat down beside his bed preparing myself for a long night. I ran my hand through Harper's hair. It was already soaked in sweat from his fever or nightmares. His small frame was burning up with fever.  
  
"I wish I could chase away those demons that you face every night kid. But I can't even fight my own demons how do I fight the demons of someone else?" Tears started to roll down my face. "Guess we will just have to keep fighting." Harper stirred finally waking from his dream, he sat straight up and looked around the room, and he saw me and smiled. "My turn now, go back to sleep." I said to my friend.  
  
"Aye, Aye captain." He curled back up into a bed and was fast asleep in a few moments. It was the fake sleep either, Harper was normally a light sleeper but when he got sick he would fall into deep slumbers. At those times I could crash the Maru into a planet and he would keep sleeping.  
  
"Night Kid, sleep tight, I'll be here for you." Just like you were there for me, I finished in my head. Maybe that was how you fought demons, not alone, but with a friend, because even the strongest person was too weak to face a demon, even an inner demon, on their own.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"I have it wrong. I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show you the world."-Buffy (I think you can guess the show)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
  
  
-sorry it's been so long b/t posts, I think I have been getting too much sleep but don't worry I have to close at work for the next three days (oh yeah I got a summer job) so another post will be coming soon. 


	8. helpless dreams 8.5 magog

A/N- ok I am sorry I have not posted in awhile. No excuses (been painting my room, sewing a dress for renaissance fair, 'planning' my trip to Peru and work 20 hours a week, ok I lied) But I have my cup of coffee/hot chocolate (I can not be the only person who mixes the two) and the frig is stocked with Pepsi so I am not 'sleeping' till this chapter is up.  
  
A/N2-this is going to get confusing but I a basically combining two chapters here. The first have is a continuation of the events in the last chapter. The next section (which is clearly marked) is the start of a new series of events in Beka's life. I just thought the chapters where kinda adding up (although I have covered over 20 years so far in 7 chapters and I have 7 years left)  
  
A/N3- Tara and Kari are Harper's two 'dead' sisters (I invented them in my first story and they have 'made an appearance' in every story since)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Better being crazy than being scared. Better doing something than sitting in a corner. Better facing your fear than running away forever.  
  
-another quote I have no clue where I copied it from  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"Beka?" I picked my head, startled from my latest nightmare by Harper's voice. What was wrong he never called me Beka?  
  
"What Harper?"  
  
"You've been crying."  
  
"No I haven't"  
  
"Either that or I am calling Trance in here because you are getting sick."  
  
"Haha, have you forgotten the rules of our game, no questions"  
  
"It wasn't a question boss, it was a statement, you have been crying or you are getting sick because your eyes are completely red."  
  
"And no pressing for answers."  
  
"Maybe I have forgotten how to play."  
  
"After a year?"  
  
"Boss, Tim's gone, we're safe."  
  
"I know Harper."  
  
"In your head or your heart"  
  
"Both, and who are you to be playing Freud on me all of a sudden?  
  
"I just, well.."  
  
"See my point."  
  
"Beka," Harper paused. It looked like he was conducting a mini debate in his head. With a sigh he continued talking. "If you tell me what your nightmare was about," he paused again stumbling over his next words, "then, then, I will tell you mine." The end of his sentence was rushed but I caught it all. I didn't want to tell anyone the nightmare that invaded my sleep at night but in the year I had known Harper he had never told me about any of his dreams. I asked him after every nightmare if he wanted to talk and he always shook his head and put on his biggest smile saying he was fine. He was no smiling now. He had a look of panic in his eyes and I could see him taking deep thought out breaths trying to calm himself. If he wasn't careful he was going to hyperventilate.  
  
"Harper, are you sure?" He gave a quick nod but I could see the determination along with the panic in his eyes. "Alright I'll tell you. Is that what you want?"  
  
"Yeah boss."  
  
I took at deep breath, and started telling him my dream trying to be factual and detached, "I was sitting in this room. It was set-up like it was when I was a little girl. Crayon drawings on the walls and three posters my father gave me when I was little, a horse, a sunset, and some flowers. Anyways I went to open the door and get out but I couldn't the door was locked. I tried it again; I tried everything thing I knew to get out but the door wouldn't open. I was trapped in here. Then I went to climb out the air vent over there, but I couldn't reach it. I tried dragging stuff over and piling it up but everything was too heavy. I couldn't budge any of it. And then everything started getting bigger and bigger. That's when you woke me up.  
  
Harper took a deep breath. I waited for his comment that the dream was stupid and how could I have a nightmare about a room. "I was sitting in my house back on earth. Well you couldn't call it a house it was a one room shack, we rolled out some blankets at night for beds." He spoke deadpan voice, completely out of character for Harper. "I heard screaming outside, it was Kari's voice. I knew I should hide but I couldn't. I ran to the cloth that we had up for a door and I hit that cloth running but it felt like I had hit a concrete wall, not a piece of cloth. I tried to get past but I couldn't. I pushed it aside and I saw Kari. Two Neizchiens pigs they were, they were…" Harper stumbled over his words. I could see the pain in the eyes and could only imagine the horrible images in his mind. In a hoarse voice Harper continued, tears running down his face, "I tried get outside to help her but I couldn't. I could just watch them do that to my sister. Brothers are supposed to protect their sisters, keep them safe from creature like that. Even younger brothers, that's our job."  
  
I now had tears running down my face. Memories of Rafe entered my head. All the times he stood between me and some crew member or worst my own father. He protected me till the day he left me to fend for myself. Those days seemed so far away.  
  
Still deep in my own thoughts I wrapped my arms around Harper. He stiffed under my arms and then planted his head on my shoulder. He tears soaked my shirt and I soon found my face wet from my own tears.  
  
I don't know how long we cried in each others arms. Finally Harper I felt Harper fall asleep on my shoulder. I laid him back down on the mattress and straighten up the tangled mess of his blankets. When I had finished tucking him in I went back to my room. I grabbed my pillow and two blankets. I lay down on the floor in Harper's room on my makeshift bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. I don't remember my dreams that night or hearing Trance enter the room the next morning. I woke up as she was finishing examining sleeping form of Harper.  
  
"How is he doing?" I asked. A night of reliving his childhood and crying to evasion probably put him even closer to death door step. What was I saying; the kid lived on death doorstep. He was just a decoration next to the boot scraper and welcome mat.  
  
"A lot better, another day of rest and I think he will be up and crawling through the innards of the Maru."  
  
I smiled. Harper had slept through Trance and my conversation, Harper was normally a light sleeper. I let out a yawn and then decide to go back to sleep while both of our nightmares where still at bay. I pulled my blanket back over my head after I stole one last glance at the peacefully sleeping mudfoot.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
I know you're lost and drifting  
  
But the clouds are lifting  
  
Don't give up you have somewhere to turn  
  
Candle on the Water-Pete's Dragon  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
  
  
This is about a year later  
  
WARNING-more Harper owies (can I write a chapter w/o him bleeding, naaaaaa) and lots of bad langue from Beka.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
come stop you're crying it will be alright  
  
just take my hand, hold it tight  
  
I will protect you from all around you  
  
I will be here don't you cry  
  
For one so young, you seem so strong  
  
Phil Collins- You'll be in My Heart  
  
~~~~*~~~  
  
"Beka, Beka" Trance called out my name.  
  
"What do you need Trance?"  
  
"Where's Harper?"  
  
"He's out, why what's wrong?" The little purple girl was scared which scared me too. She seemed to know what was going on even before me and Harper did. I had learned to trust her sixth-sense in the past year. She had become a strong crew member and friend. She had even gotten Harper to come out of his shell. His real shell, not the show he did for people trying to be friendly with him.  
  
"It's nothing,"  
  
"What is it Trance?"  
  
"Well something is wrong, but it will be ok, I mean I think it will be ok. There is a definite good solution that I can clearly see." I walked up Trance and put my hand on her back leading her into the main room. I pulled out a chair and motioned her to sit. Her trembling continued and she was still visibly shaking. I had to step back after I got hit by her tail a couple of times.  
  
"Trance, I need you to stop blabbing and tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I don't know. Well I think I know but I am not sure. I just need to find Harper." Find Harper, was he in danger, damn I knew I shouldn't have let him go down to the planet by himself. We needed the parts but Harper always found trouble, well trouble found him. Harper could never stay out of trouble or in perfect health. The moment either happened he would upset some one in a bar by looking at them the wrong way or catch some ancient flu. Harper was just a magnet for trouble and I let him go out by himself. I had known the kid for two years; he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. What was I thinking? Alright two panicking women would help no one.  
  
"Alright, clam down," I said to myself as much as Trance. I knelt beside the frighten girl. "Harper went out for parts. Do you need me to go find him with you?"  
  
"No, I think we should wait here, that would be best." She faded out mid-sentence like she was looking at something just out of my line of sight. Somehow I knew not to question and go with Trances observations.  
  
"Alright we'll wait." I said looking at Trance for her reaction. She just nodded but now had gone to staring at the table with a worried look on her face. I couldn't take it anymore. I straightened up and began pacing around the room. I then walked to the crew quarters and back to the main room. He was fine, I thought to myself. He is just looking for some spare parts. It won't take long, he'll be back soon. So why wasn't he back already? What was taking him so long? I sat down for a minute and then got up and walked to Harper's room, turning when I got to the door and walking back to the main room. I was about to do another walk around the ship when I heard a noise coming from the airlock. I turned and ran to the airlock. I didn't care how it looked, I was panic. Something had to have happened to Harper. The airlock was still closed when I got to get but I could hear a person behind the door.  
  
"What's the matter kid forgot the code?" I said trying to hide my panicking state with a laugh. I undid the lock from the inside and let the door swing open. Here I was all panic, and Harper was here safe and sound. Or at least that is what I thought.  
  
As the airlock swung open I saw Harper in the arms of a magog. My hand was on my blaster before the door had finished opening. I pointed at the creatures head. "Drop him now or I drop you." I yelled. I tried to keep my voice flat but it faltered for a moment.  
  
"I mean no harm." The piece of magog filth said.  
  
"Like hell you did. Put the kid down on the deck now and I might let you live." The stack of fleas bent down and put Harper on the deck. The gesture was so gentle if I didn't know what he was I might have felt bad. "Ok, now back away from him." The Magog took a few steps back.  
  
"Miss I did not harm…"  
  
"Like hell you didn't, if you think I would believe that flimsy lie."  
  
"I saw him leave your ship…"  
  
"And decide to jump him, now leave or else."  
  
"No miss you do not understand."  
  
"Fuck you, I know what happened. And the moment you show your filthy magog ass around my ship again I will shoot. No questions, just a dead magog carcass, free for the skinning, and trust me no one will care."  
  
"I understand miss." With that he turned and left. I slammed my hand into the airlock controls the moment he cleared the door. Filthy magog, attacking Harper, no wonder Trance was panicked she must have known.  
  
"TRANCE" I yelled as I knelt beside Harper. His hair was matted with blood and dirt. He didn't even respond when I began searching through his hair for the source of the blood. I found a small cut on the back on his neck. It was tiny but still bleeding heavily. I pressed down on the cut trying to stop the bleeding. Still Harper's face showed no signs of waking. "Come on, work with me kid. You're stronger than anything that fucking a magog did to you. Come on wake up." I shifted so Harper head was now resting in my lap. "Come on Harper you know the drill, I sit cross legged with your head in my lap and say wake up and then you make some off handed comment and then I drag you back to your room. So feel free to make that comment at any time. I'm waiting."  
  
Trance appeared in the doorway. I would say she turned pale when she saw Harper but it is hard to define pale on a girl who is purple. She knelt beside Harper and began checking him for injuries. She started at his head nodding at me when she saw the head wound and continued down Harper's body. She rolled up his shirt revealing a mess of forming bruises. "Filthy, fucking magog, no good bag of flies," I yelled out, exploding with rage at the sight of Harper's injuries.  
  
"A magog did this to him?"  
  
"Yeah and then the son of bitch dragged him back here."  
  
"Why would he do that Beka?"  
  
"Probably scouting out the ship, trying to use him to get in here and have the rest of us for dinner."  
  
"Is he?"  
  
"No, I just see the bruises; there would more if he was."  
  
"I think Harper may have a broken rib, but it's better than…" She broke off her sentence and continued her investigation of Harper's injuries. "I think it's safe to move him back to his bunk. I can clean and bandage the wounds there."  
  
Now it was my turn to nod as we each took one of Harper's arms and carried him.  
  
~~~  
  
I reached up and ran my hairs through Harper's hair. He rarely let anyone touch his hair. He said the 'look' a lot of time to maintain. In reality I had never seen him even use a comb, but I think he didn't like people touching him.  
  
Over the past year Harper had slowly started telling me a little about his life on earth. From the bits and pieces I could see why Harper had trouble sleeping at night, and then to be attacked by a magog, the same creatures that raided his village. That was the little that I had gotten. He told me of watching people die of infestation, slowly having their organs eaten and having to be killed for the good of the camp. His eyes always clouded over on that line 'for the good of the camp,' I wondered who he had to kill 'for the good of the camp.'  
  
There was so much I still didn't know about him. He once mentioned being a brother but maintained he was an only child. He only told the bits and pieces with a smile on his face. Sometimes at night he would talk about it but never in the face of day. Something's are too hard to bring to the light I guess.  
  
How long would the nightmares last from this attack. How long after the physical wounds healed would he still be fighting the demons. What did that magog pick him? Would Harper ever truly be free of the hellhole he grew up in?  
  
"No!" I jumped back as Harper sat straight up screaming. He glanced around the eyes fearfully and then dropped back down into the mattress.  
  
"You're ok, that creature will never touch you again."  
  
"What creature Boss?" I looked at him. His eyes where filled with confusion and worry. Could he not remember the attack? Had he blocked it out?  
  
"Do you remember what happened?"  
  
"I thought so; I was walking back to Maru when some guys jumped me. They stole the parts and the few credits I had left. Then they beat till I passed out."  
  
"No Harper," I paused, I wasn't sure how to say the next part. Maybe it was better he thought he was just jumped by some guys. Was it so bad to spoil his version of reality? I took I deep breath, I had to tell him the truth. "Harper, you where brought here by a magog," I watched panic fill his eyes. His hands went to his stomach. He lifted up his shirt and began to claw at the wrapping over his chest.  
  
"He didn't…I wasn't that out of it... I mean I would have woken up…oh Boss why did you?"  
  
"Harper, Harper," Harper continued trying to rip off the bandages. I took his hands and brought my face right into his. "Listen to me, you're not invested. He cracked your ribs, that's why your chest hurts, that's the reason for the bandages."  
  
I watched Harper's breathing return to normal and then a new must have entered his mind as he began to hyperventilate again.  
  
"Harper talk to me, what's the matter?"  
  
"Beka, I don't remember being attacked by a magog. Why don't I remember? I mean I hate those SOBs and I kill those fuckers on sight. So I mean, what happened out there?"  
  
"I don't know, but you are ok Harper, some bumps and bruises but they are going to heal and you are going to be fine."  
  
"Boss it doesn't make any sense. All magog do is kill and destroy." Harper began rubbing his arms and legs, like his was trying to rid himself of an invisible stain.  
  
"Harper, his gone, and he is never coming near you again."  
  
"How sure of that are you Boss, how sure uh? I thought I had gotten away from those creatures. I thought I was safe, but then they come back again. And I don't even remember it. Are you sure it was a magog?"  
  
"Yeah kid it was a magog." 


	9. boggie man at the airlock

A/N- ok I admit this post is only for reviews. I updated this story on the 29th but it never got moved to the first page. So this is going to be short for the few of you who have been following this and waiting for an update (thanks for being patient, well except for Parisidy sorry but it's something at least)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"tchlaur-there are always opinions  
  
tchlaur- options  
  
mizdid-there are both  
  
(AIM conversation one night)  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"Boss you can't, that thing is still out there." I looked down at Harper. Yesterday's wounds where still fresh on his face. He was working on fixing some circuitry and refused to stay in bed and rest. Finally Trance and I had carried every project that wasn't attached to the ship into his room and taken turns sitting with him all night.  
  
"Harper I have no choice." Harper put down the part he was working on. His whole bed was covered with parts. He winced like he hated that phrase.  
  
"Beka there are always choices, why do you always have to pick the ones that lead towards pain and death."  
  
"Last time I check I was still alive."  
  
"Yeah with a great scar collection."  
  
"I am still alive. Harper he is not standing outside the airlock waiting to jump me. I chased him away yesterday and the fact is we have very little money and a long list of parts we need."  
  
"There are other ports, lots of other ports. We should leave now and go to one of those many ports."  
  
"The engines are barely running. You can barely sit up straight much less do any repair  
  
work. We need parts and it will take weeks maybe months to get them somewhere else.  
  
We cannot waste that time. Time is money in the savaging business."  
  
"Money means nothing if you are dead or infested."  
  
"I will be fine."  
  
"Boss."  
  
"Harper."  
  
"I can have Trance go with me if that would make you feel better."  
  
"I should go with you."  
  
"What are you going to do? Bleed on him. Stay here, rest up. I will have you running around the Maru soon enough working on the engines."  
  
"I don't like it Boss."  
  
"I don't have another choice."  
  
Harper just leaned up against the wall. His face was flushed and I could see signs of a fever starting. Harper was still in pain. I could see it in his eyes. He was also terrified. I didn't know how to help him. How could I take away the boogieman from his past that was now standing at the doorway?  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
I was walking back to the Maru after picking up all the parts we needed. Well almost all the parts. We still needed some power supply wire and some microchips but Harper would have his hands full with the repairs and parts for now. I would have to hide half of them or Harper would work himself to the point of collapse. I was going to have to watch him as is. He was pretty banged up from the magog and he was so nervous he could barely sit still. Trance had stayed with Harper trying to convince him that everything was ok. Was every really ok?  
  
I almost dropped everything that I was carrying as I walked into another person. I was so deep in thought that I hadn't been watching where I was going. I looked up and started to mutter an apology when I saw whom I had run into.  
  
It was him, the magog.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter." -Bono 


	10. harper's call

Thanks to everyone for sticking with me.  I will figure out this problem with my story not moving to the 1st page.  Parisindy thanks for sticking by me through this all.  It is great to see your reviews with every chapter.  It keeps me writing.  And I am so happy to hear someone likes the quotes (I didn't know if they helped or hindered the story)

_~~~*~~~_

_'No other folk make such a trampling' said Legolas.  "It seems their delight to slash and beat down growing things that are not even in their way.'_

_The Lord of the Ring: The __Two__Towers_

_~~~_

_Lori-_

_(climbs up on soap box)_

_You know it breaks my heart when I hear about some innocent Muslim or Arabian person getting beaten or even murdered because of Sept. 11th.  If we were attacked because of what 'American' stands for aren't we defeating our own response by committing these crimes?  I mean doesn't American stand for freedom above all else.  Although I am just young and ideal._

_Sarah-_

_It's good to be young and ideal.  I am.  And we grow up too fast._

~~~*~~~

            "You bastered."  I yelled.  I swung the bags I was carrying into the magogs chest.  He was knocked back by the force of the swing.  I dropped the bag, Harper would kill me later if I broke any parts but right now I was fighting for my life, and payback for what he had done to Harper.  I was going to make this scum pay.  No one did that to Harper.  No one messed with my crew.  I reached down and got my blaster off my belt.  I took a step back and aimed the gun straight at the creature's heart.

            "Miss, miss…"

            "Don't you try and play polite magog."  I said stepping back out of the range of the magog claws.

            "I am sorry miss, do I know you."

            "How nice I threaten you life and the next day you don't remember me.  Maybe that happens too often for you to remember.  Well here's a little reminder, you attacked one of my crew, a little blonde mudfoot.  You beat him till he was unconscious and then carried him back to my ship.  I then chased you out and told you to stay the hell away from me and my ship.  Apparently you don't follow directions."

            "I am sorry miss but I do not know what you are talking about.  I was meditating at the temple all yesterday."

            "Magog don't go to temples, unless they need a quick meal."

            "Miss I know my kind has committed unspeakable acts but I have reformed my ways and become a monk on the path to flow the divine."

            "Sorry not swallowing."

            "I am sorry miss, and I am sorry about your crew member.  I will pray for him."

            "You're going to pray for a mudfoot.  The human you attacked yesterday.  A boy whose family your kind has killed and infested, a kid who watched his village being destroyed by your kind."

            "I am deeply sorry for the actions of my brothers."

            "What about your actions, what about what you did to Harper."

            "Your crew man is named Harper?" Shit shit I didn't want this piece of filth to know Harper's name.  I should have just shot him.  I should still shoot him.  "I will pray for him but I swear to the divine that I did no harm to this Harper."

            "Forgive me if I don't believe that coming from a magog."

            "Forgiveness is not mined to give but the divines."

            "Just stay the hell away from me.  The next time I see you I will kill you."  With that I picked up the parts and headed back to the ship.  I wasn't running but I was walking as fast as I normally ran.  I had to get back to Harper.  I had to get him away from the creature.  Why wouldn't he leave us alone?  Why did pretend to not remember last night?  Why did I not shoot him the moment I first saw him?  And what was all that garbage he was muttering about the divine?  

I was still wondering all this when I found myself standing at the airlock for the Maru.  I entered my access code and walked straight towards my quarters.  I was sitting on my bed when Harper finally broke the trance I had entered.  "Boss?" one simple word made me jump almost falling off the bed.

"What Harper?"

"You just, well I have been calling you for the last 5 minutes.  You walked onboard, pass me and Trance, dropped the parts on the table and sat down in here.  Did something happen?"

"Nope"

"You sure?"

"Yes I am sure.  If something had happened I would say something happened but nothing happened.  Ok.  Got it?  Nothing happened."

"Yeah, sure boss, I be in my room.  Call me when you want to start working on repairs."  Harper slowly started moving down the hallway.  His stiff movements showed yesterdays beating.  I don't know what was worst seeing the pain in his eyes and not being able to do nothing about it?  Or seeing the fear and know that I had the power to rid the world of one magog that no one would have missed.  Heck that magog had probably killed thousands.  So why couldn't I do it?  I slammed my hand into the wall leaving a dent.  

~~~*~~~

            "Beka we have a visitor."  Trance pleasant voice said calling me back to conciseness.

            "Who?"

            "He said his name was Rev Bem.  He wanted to see how Harper was doing."

            "Is Harper awake?"

            "No he was sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake him."

            Nodded as I looked down at my clothes, it was the same outfit I had worn yesterday.  They looked about the same with a little more dirt and winkles.  I ran my tongue over my teeth and grimaced.  Well monks were supposed to be forgiving; hopefully this one would forgive morning breath.  I followed Trance into the main room.  At the table was sitting the same bloodily magog from earlier.  Was he deaf?  Why wasn't he leaving us alone like I had clearly explained earlier at the point of a gun, twice?

            "Ummm Trance?

            "Yeah Beka."

            "Have you ever seen a magog?"

            "No"

            "Well one is sitting at the table."

            "But he seemed so nice.  Maybe they aren't all bad."  I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at Trance's statement.  How could she know so much and be in the dark about so much else.  I just nodded and charged up my pulse pistol.  "Beka he just came to talk.  Hear him out before you start firing.  And please Harper's finally sleeping."

            Again I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the purple pixie.  If I could quietly get him outside without Harper seeing life would be good.  If I shoot him Harper would wake up and see a dead magog.  I would spend months sitting next to his bed at night and it would be even more time before he would stop waking the entire crew up screaming at the ghosts of his past.  If I threaten him Harper would wake up and see a live magog.  That would bring more trouble then a dead one.  Plus I had threatened him twice and gotten no results.  I had to get rid of him somehow.  Somehow I found myself sitting across the table from 'Rev Bem.'

            "What do you want?"

            "I know you wanted me to stay away from the young sir but I was concerned and come to see how he was."

            "Well he is fine, or will be," I caught myself before I said no thanks to you.  I couldn't get mad.  I would yell and Harper would wake up.  I was beginning to wish that Trance could have sedated him so I just kick him off the ship without having to keep my voice down.  

            "I am pleased to hear that.  When Brother Marks said he ran into a young woman in the market place that spoke of a wounded crew member, well from his description of the conversation I was worried that he hadn't woken up yet."

            "His awake."

            "And he does not remember the attack."

            "No thanks to you." Calm, Beka stay calm.  I forced some deep breaths before I said something else.

            "Harper, is that his name?"

            I found myself taking more deep breaths.  How dare this low life even say Harper's name.  "Yes, Harper is his name.  I guess you didn't have time to find that out when you met."

            "Young Harper had passed out by the time I got to him.  Three men jumped him.  The divine talks of non-violence so I didn't interfer a first.  I am sorry for that.  I see the error in my way.  I misinterpreted the path of the divine and your crew member was beaten and robed.  I chased the man off later but young Harper was greatly injured so I brought him back here.  I saw him leave this ship earlier.  I am deeply sorry for what I did."

            "Well you attacked him."

            "I am sorry you don't believe me but I never harmed your crew member.  I tried to help.  I know my species have committed many crimes and I can see why you would believe that I could have done this.  If you wish me to leave now I will."

            "Yes that would be good."

            "I will continue to pray to the divine for young Harper.  I know you do not trust me but I promise I did not hurt your master Harper."

            "You're right I don't trust."

            "That being the case I assume that there is no way you would let me see him."

            "No way in hell."

            "I understand.  Thank you for your time."  With that the magog turned and walked out the airlock.  What was that all about, polite magog?

            I found myself standing at Harper's doorway.  He was sleeping deeper than normal.  I found myself sitting by his bed hold his hand waiting for the magog shaped boggie man to invade his slumbers.  At some point I most have joined him in dreamland.

~~~

I don't know what woke me up.  I would guess that Harper had cried out in his sleep.  When I woke up he was sitting up in bed soaked in sweat.  He had had another nightmare.

            "Harper?"

            "ya boss." A defeated voice asked.  Harper was holding his ribs and trying to slow his rapid breathing.

            "What are they like?"

            "They?"

            I swallowed.  Did I really want to open up this can of worms?  "The magog."

            "Monsters, no feels morals or emotions.  They kill and destroy and that is all."

            "Not big conversationalists."

            "Well I never stuck around long enough to find out.  But was I saw from hiding was grunting and not a lick of common spoken.  Why you want to talk to one, they would kill you before you said hello."

            "Harper?"

            "Yea boss"

            "I have talked to two."

            "When?"

            "Two days ago, when the one brought you here, looking back he seemed concerned, worried even for your health."

            "More for his meal."

            "I don't know.  I bumped into one in on the planet…"

            "You never…"

            "You think I was going to tell you.  I mean he didn't even try to attack me.  I mean I got the first punch in but he didn't fight back.  He was polite even.  Spoke of the divine."

            "The divine doesn't exist, only wayward monks believe in the divine."

            "Do believe that anyone can be a monk."

            "Sort of, I mean I could never see a Neizchiens in those orange robes but I know some are."

            "Orange?"

"Yeah there were some on earth; they would hand out food, clothes and blankets."

"The magog that brought you here wore orange.  He said he was a monk, Rev Bem is what he called himself."

            "Magog are not monks."

            "This one claimed to be."

            "Yeah well magogs aren't known for telling the truth."

            "Harper I know…"

            "You nothing about those creatures, those things stole everything that the Neizchiens didn't take from me.  They are worst then the Neizchiens, I hate them, every last one of them."  Harper's breath was now coming in short pants and tears where running down his face.  Damn it why did I say anything?  But it seemed so weird, yet somehow true, this magog was a monk.  They didn't sound like con-man and besides he could have over powered us at anytime.  Somehow I was beginning to believe a magog.

~~~*~~~

            "Beka, Beka" I crawled out from under my covers to look at a panicked Trance standing in the doorway to my room.

            "What?"

            "He's back!"

            "Who?"

            "Rev Bem!"

            "Who, oh, I'm up."  I shot out of bed and began hunting around the room for clothes.  I finally found some on the floor that looked clean enough and ran to the door to greet the magog.

            "Rev Bem,"

            "Mama"

            "Beka"

            "Miss Rebecca."

            "Just Beka"

            "Miss Beka, it is a pleasure to see you again."

            "Ummm…"

            "I understand my species is not one to be greeted lightly.  I promise I will cause you and your crew no harm."

            "Well if you don't mind I would rather that we continued this conversation right here at the airlock anyways."

            "I understand, but there is something I would like to offer to your master Harper."

            "What?"

            "Myself, I am his property to do whatever he wants with."

            "I am sorry what do you mean?  I thought you said…"

            "Forgive me but this is my matter to discuss with the young sir.  It is my fault I should have interfered when he was attacked.  Because of my actions he was injured.  I should have done something.  It is as much my fault as it I had thrown the punches myself."

            "So you are going to give up your life."

            "Yes I wronged him.  I must pay for this."

            "You don't understand Harper grew up on earth.  He hates your kind.  He will kill you."

            "That is the young sir's choice."

            "Don't you care about your life?"

            "This is the action that the divine has chosen for me."

            "Fine, stay there," with those words I closed the airlock in the suicidal magog face.

            "Harper, Harper are you awake we need to talk."  I walked into Harper's room to find him sitting on his bed fully dressed, almost waiting for me."

            "Do you know what just happened?"

            "You where talking to the man who saved me."

            "What do you mean?"

            "I remember that voice.  He was in my dreams that night, after I was knocked out.  He told me I was ok, that I was safe and he was going to take me back to you.  I thought that the magog must have killed him."

            "No Harper, that man is a magog."

            "Beka I remember that voice, that man, he helped me, magog don't help.  They kill.  They kill or infested."

            "He's a monk, and he wants to give you his life."

            "I heard.  I just thought he was being weird, feeling overly guilty.  I was wondering why you said I would kill him."

            "Well what are you going to do?  His life is in your hands."

            "I can't remember what happened, how I can condemn a man to death.  He says he should have helped me, I remember him saving me, his kind says kill, but you say he is different."

            "It is your choice."

            "But what if I let him live and he attacks this planet?  Boss there is no way I could decide this."

            "It is your decision though."

            "Boss,"

            "I can't…"

            "I have an idea."  I looked up at Trance who was now standing in the doorway.  "I heard the whole thing.  What if he comes aboard, I have been talking to him.  He knows several languages; it could help us get more clients.  He claims to be peaceful."

            "Trance do you know what he is?"

"Yes but I don't know who he is?  But I think he is a good man."

"That is what I have seen Harper."  I said.  What was I thinking, debating having a magog on board?  He could kill us in our sleep.

"I know, Boss.  But if I let him join the crew and he killed someone, would you blame me?"

            "No I would shoot him dead and then reanimate him to kill him again slowly and painfully."

            "Do you think you could take down a magog?"

            "I don't know Harper."

            "Boss, I can't leave him here and I can't kill him.  What if he became a member of the crew?"  I bit my lip.  Somehow it worked, somehow.  Trance seems to know what to do and she seemed convinced about this magog.

~~~*~~~

_Dear Mr. Vern,_

_We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong.  But we think you are crazy for making us write you an essay telling you who we think we are.  You see us as you want to see us.  In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions.  But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal._

_Sincerely yours,_

_The breakfast club_

~~~*~~~

Alright crew of the Maru down, on to the 1st episode, maybe I could add so more BA (**B**efore **A**ndromeda).  Either way I have a problem, I started watching around Harper 2.0 so anyways I am going to have to 'research' for this part.  Any help would be great!


	11. accidents

Authors ramble (I decided it had nothing to do w/ the story) - yes I am finally posting another chapter.  Sorry for the wait parisindy, well everyone but parisindy is the most demanding.  Sorry it's short.

Warning-b/h fight, harper owies (yup it's an official Lauriena chapter) nothing too graphic and angst and more to come

*spoilers for chapter*

A/N- alright please note I am not turning beak into a total b****.  I just wanted to show another piece to the story and this story was turning into the Brady bunch in space.  And I decided to go for a little twist here, not h/b fight, Harper owies and h/b makes up.  You'll see.

~~~*~~~

_When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than the foot._

_West African Proverb_

_(from reader's digest)_

_~~~*~~~_

Not often in my life do I look back on past decisions.  I either made the right or the wrong one and I have to move on with whatever choice I made.  That idea has gotten me through most of life.  It's only at night I look back and then only after the nightmares.  Long ago Harper and I had started sharing our nightmares.  We never talked about our past, just the past of the nightmares; the images of long ago that still haunted us at night.  I don't know if there is any decision I have debated making for more than a few days.  After the days past and I know I can't go back I move on.  It was this reason that I was having so much trouble over our next job.

            We needed money.  Four mouths to feed meant more money.  The supplies were slowly running out.  No one on board ate much but the little was beginning to add up, Trance's plants, Harper's sparkys, Rev's fish, even my sweet tooth were all cutting into the budget.  I had been looking for a job to help pay the next round of bills coming in.  I had a job but it wasn't the most honest haul.  In fact it was downright theft.  

I had done hauls like it in the past with Bobby and Vex but the whole feeling of the Maru was different then.  Now I had a mudfoot in my old room, a purple something in Rafe's old room and a magog in the crew quarters.  I had almost a full crew needed for any job and I was afraid to use them.  

This run was dangerous and anyone of them could get hurt or killed.  At first I think I wouldn't have cared about them this way.  Harper was my best friend, Trance my good luck charm and rev, a magog, my guidance.  Who would have thought I would view a magog as my conscience.  They were my crew and the closest thing I had to family.  How could I risk them on this run?

"Beka!"  I heard Trance yell.  I snapped out of the fog I was in a ran towards the sound of her voice.

"Trance, what's wrong."

"It's Harper."  The two words I always dreaded.  What had happened to him this time?  And how long would he be in medical, if Trance could fix it.

I sprinted all the way to engineering.  I needed to know what had happen to Harper.  I stopped as I saw Rev carrying the still form of him.  Oh Harper, what have you done this time.  He was covered in blood, Rev placed Harper in his room and then excused himself.  

It was hard for him to be around so much blood.  I knew that he had to go wash it off of his fur and eat something.  He had explained it once to me in as gentle a way as possible.  But then again how to you gently explain that you want to kill you're friends and when they are injured and bleeding the feeling only gets worse.  After that I was always careful with blood.  Everything with blood on it went into the boiler.  I never told Harper, I didn't want to tell him anything that would cause him to doubt Rev presents on board.  Trance never needed to be told, but started this as soon as Rev came on board.  
            "What happened Trance?"  I said as she appeared in the door with her bag of herbs and a first aid kit.

"He was working, I don't know what went wrong but one of the coolant pipes blew."

"I didn't feel it."

"You were on the other side of the ship.  I heard something and knew something but I didn't think of it.  Harper didn't cry out or anything.  I didn't know he was this badly injured.  Not till Rev smelled the blood did I know anything was wrong.  We found Harper like this."  Trance was wrapping up Harper's head.  His hands were a bloody mess, his left arm looked broken, and his hair had turned red from all the blood his face was covered in scratches and Trance was wrapping up a head wound.  Trance was moving down his body cleaning and wrapping up the cuts.  I felt tears coming to my eyes and I had to turn away from the sight.  I walked down to engine room.  

The site was clearly visible; there was blood everywhere and a destroyed coolant pipe.  The damage was minimal to the ship.  The pipe must have exploded while Harper was working on it.  How his face was untouched amazed me.  It looked like he had been thrown backwards and hit his head on some equipment he had laying around.  The ship would be fine minus one coolant pipe.  All that I had to do was clean up the blood for now.  It was in the middle of cleaning up all that blood that I broke down crying.

~~~*~~~

            It was three days before Harper woke up.  He didn't even wake when Trance and I set his arm.  The crack it made as we forced the bones in pace made me almost lose my lunch.  My dreams were filled with that sound for the next nights.  He was still running a low fever when he woke up.

            "Boss?"

            "I'm here Harper."

            "Sorry about the pipe boss, I tried to fix it in time but it blew."

            "Harper you idiot, why didn't you get away from it when you saw it was going to explode?"

            "I thought I could fix it in time."

            "Well you failed.  Now I have to replace all the tools that were damaged not just the coolant pipe."

            "I'm sorry boss, I didn't think…"

            "Yeah well it was pretty obvious you weren't thinking.  I mean Harper for a genius you are pretty stupid.  How did you survive on earth without killing your self or everyone around you?"  The way his face fell I knew I had gone too far.  

Part of me didn't though.  It won out over the part that felt my heart being torn in half.  I was mad.  This never should have happened.  Harper shouldn't be lying in bed fight to recover.  We were going to have to use the rest of the money to get his arm looked at.  I don't know where the rest of the money for everything would come from.  The client would pay half up front though.

"The only good thing is now I know I have to take this next job.  I can't afford to pay next month bills as is I can also pay for the parts, tool and medical expenses your little mistake has cost me.  How could you do this to me Harper?  You know we live from job to job.  The expenses of all you guys, all the people you had join my crew.  Crew members aren't cheap.  But how do I expect a mudfoot to understand this.  How do I expect a stupid earth kid to have the comment sense to get away from an exploding pipe?"  Harper didn't even respond to my rant. He sat looking at my shoes.  He face void of any emotions.  Once again I ignored my heart and headed to the door.  So he was upset.  So what?  Didn't he know better?

I stormed out of his room and down the hall to mine.  I couldn't look at him anymore.  I couldn't look at anyone.  I knew Trance would give me that sad questioning look with her eyes.  Rev would say something about anger being our greatest enemy.  I didn't want to hear them tell me it wasn't that bad.  It was bad.  I needed to be by myself.  I walked over to the console in my room and turned on one of the galactic rock stations.  I turned it up until the walls of my room were shaking.  I then turned it down a bit knowing Trance, Rev or both would be by to tell me to turn down the music and see what the matter was.  Nothing was the matter.  I just wanted to listen to music and be alone.  I heard the first knock at my door.  Why couldn't anyone leave me alone?

"What!" I yelled over the music.

"You ok." I heard Trance asked in the innocence but knowing voice that only Trance can do.

"Yes"

"Ok cause I just checked on Harper and…"

"I said I was fine."

"Alright Beka if you need to talk."

"I won't"

            I heard the shuffling steps as Trance headed down the hall, one down, one to go.  The radio was on to the fourth song when I heard the second knock.

            "Beka dear."

            "What Rev."

            "Could you turn down the music and let me in."

            "I rather be alone, thanks Rev."

            "Well then can you turn down your music so the whole ship doesn't have to listen to it?"

            "Fine Rev." I turned it down to about half the volume of before.

            "Thank you, Trance made dinner if you are hungry."

            "I'm fine Rev."

            "Alright, if you needed anything."  I waited till I hear Rev Start to walk down the hall and then slowly began turning the music up.  I only put it up half of what I turned it down.  Somehow that little bit was satisfying enough though.  I laid on the bed a stared at the ceiling.  This wasn't really me.  I never behaved like this but right now I didn't care.  I just wanted to be alone and not have to talk or think.  Why couldn't they just understand this?

~~~*~~~

The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence.

Marianna Moore

~~~*~~~


	12. unsoken conversation

A/N-it's been more than a month and for that I am very sorry. I promise the next chapter should be up shortly (I have three stories floating through my head but I think I can get them all written.) Special thanks to Parisindy for giving me her opinion about this chapter before I posted it. If anyone wants to play Beta for me or just give me input into my stories please email me at lauriena82@yahoo.com.

I promised I would never do this but read one day it's on my author's profile and it's my favorite story I have written and it has half the reviews of my other stuff. Sorry commercial is over.

~~~*~~~

Understand we'll go hand in hand

But we'll walk alone in fear

Tell me

Where do we go from here?

Buffy the musical

~~~*~~~

The knocking had finally stopped. I turned down the music to listen for the telltale sounds of Trance and Rev being up. I didn't hear anything but I waited until I was sure the whole ship was asleep. I wandered down to the main room. The table was clean, no dishes in the sink, no signs of dinner. Trance must have cooked. She was very neat when it came to dinner. Harper always left a pile of dishes when he was done. It was like he didn't see messes. Growing up in a trash heap what did a few dishes or unwiped table mattered. It was just a Harper thing.

How many Harper things were now parts of the Maru? The engine room now had perfectly cleaned tools next to the piles of spare parts. No useful thing was ever thrown out. Harper and I never really agreed with what was useful. He thought any part could be reused, cleaned and refitted. I thought that if it was broken it was garbage. Food was the same way. I never cleaned out the frig well he was awake. Even when the food was molding Harper hated throwing it out. He was so frustrating to live with at times. So why was a so worried about him?

I went to hit the wall but stopped. If I didn't wake up the whole ship I would still have a dent in the wall for Harper to repair when he got better, if he got better. I didn't know how to tell my best friend that he might not be able to use his hand again. People can switch their dominate hand but would Harper have to? I mean after his arm healed would he be able to do all the welding, cutting, and repairs that he did before with his left hand. He must have been working on the pipe when it blew for it to do that kind of damage his arm. It could have been his face though. His arm may have taken the damage instead of his face. I didn't know weather to be grateful that he wasn't dead, sad that he may be crippled or mad that this all shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I don't remember getting up but I now stood at Harper's door. It was open and Harper sat looking at me. Had I opened the door? Why was I standing here?

"Hi boss,"

"Hey Harper, Harper about before… I wanted to say…what I mean is…"

"Boss you where right, I knew I needed to get out of there and I didn't. I thought I could fix the problem."

"But Harper I shouldn't have yelled…. I was…. What I mean is…"

"Boss it's nice to have someone who cares, Trance helped me see that."

"She is wiser than me."

"Well that doesn't take much."

"Watch it buster."

Some how the smile we shared in that moment helped more than the words I couldn't seem to find.

~~~*~~~

By admitting our weakness we show our true strength; hence the paradox of being human.

First Wave

~~~*~~~

Author's ramble-Oh and I haven't checked but I am pretty sure Harper is right handed, but for this story he is left-handed. The reason is simply that he reminds me of some of my friends and my father (who are all left-handed). Although most theatre technicians I have met are lefties, engineer/techie both can rewire a light in 5 sec and use whatever they have to make something work.


	13. touble times (the haul begins)

Author's Ramble- *shakes her head at her own stupidity* I wrote half of this chapter, didn't save and left the computer on for three days straight and well it crashed.  I think I got must of it back but it was still very depressing.

I will finish this story it just could take a long time.  I have a plan though but it will take at least 5 more chapters (hey I have about 3 or 4 years, I can't figure out where I am in the timeline).  

I also have to say I have the most trouble writing Rev, so if anyone want to comment feel free, just be sure to tell me how to improve.

Oh and I promise next story the rambles won't be so long.

_~~~*~~~_

_Don't tell me everything is wonderful_

_When everything's not wonderful now_

_Wonderful-Everclear_

_~~~*~~~_

I can see him sneaking down the hallway.  I know he thinks I haven't seen him.  I could go chase him off to bed.  Show him I still care.  But will that be what I am showing him?  He will just flash me a bright fake smile and a light laugh.  I'll playfully run my hand through his hair and tell him to obey his captain followed by some nickname I have for him.  It's always the same conversation these days.  Sometimes Trance or Rev will be there and throw in some comment about him needing to heal or follow the wisdom of his captain.  

Yeah that is all I am to him these days, his captain, his boss.  At first he couldn't call me Beka, too informal.  Then Boss was a nickname, like me calling him kid and shorty.  But now it was a title, it was like he was stating my position to remind us both of where we stood with each other, employer and mudfoot.  I miss him, my Harper; he is more than some mudfoot. 

 More than another crew member, he has become closer to me then Rafe was when we were growing up.  And now like Rafe some words and actions have driven us apart.  Oh Harper I can't lose you too.  I have lost all my family before I am not losing my new family.  Yes I did just call them family.  That is what this crew is becoming and now I was sending them to do a job I know could kill one or all of us.

My thoughts are broken but the sound of Rev claws clicking on the metal deck.  I turn to the magog who has become my elder who I turn to for wisdom.  Mom use to say kids would turn to their grandparents for wisdom in the old days.  I could just see Rev now with a gray beard, glasses, and a floppy fishing hat telling me to come sit on his knee and tell him my problems.

"Rebecca?"  Although maybe I wasn't so far off as I recognized the questions in the single word.  Are you alright, what is troubling you, how can I help you?  Yup I had a grandpa who not only fished but ate the fish raw.

"I think this is one problem I am going to have to face on my own this time Rev."

"You know he isn't as far away as you think."

"Who?

"Master Harper, but it takes time and wood to build bridges and just one spark to burn them away."

"Thanks Rev, but the last one took so long."

"Yes Beka, but remember while it is gone, is foundation remains.  The foundation is where the true strength of the building is."

The chime of an incoming message interrupts our conversation.  The few words have given me hope.  Now if I can get my hopes to become realities.

The incoming message was the latest info on our new haul.  Man was the guy doing this a rat.  I think he would have me fly the maru into the sun if it would bring the shipment an hour faster.  He wanted me to fly through the worst territory for a worthless bunch of computer chips.  He was paying me twice the going rate so I knew it wasn't the cargo he was making it out to be.  But then it all went back to money.  Without money I wouldn't go on this run.  Without the run though and the money it would bring in, the ship wouldn't get repaired, the bills would pile up even more and most pressing of all Harper's arm wouldn't get fixed.  Why did money have to be the source and solution to all life's troubles?

The quiet shuffling of feet told me Harper was wandering around behind me.

"Hey kid"

"Hey Boss."  I kept me back turned grimacing at how he accented the word boss.

"Harper, we are going down planet side in a few days.  Picking up the rest of the stuff for this haul and getting a doctor to look at your arm."

"Well don't bother if it's going to be too much money.  A mudfoot like me is use to some kid who watched reruns of medical dramas.  I understand how expensive a real doctor can be."

"Harper," I said turning around and reaching out for him.  He wiggled out of my grasp wincing at the pain from his arm. "You're not some mudfoot and you're not just another crew member, your more you're my friend.  I care for the mudfoot, I stick by my crew and I miss my friend."  Harper just stared at me.  He face wavered between his normal fake smile and confusion.  "Harper…"

"Can it boss, I heard what you said, you think some fancy words can make the first words go away."

"Harper I was upset."

"Yeah and in my years I have learned that when people are upset is when their true feeling come out."

"You know what I was feeling Harper that day, I was upset your right.  I was upset because someone I cared about got badly hurt for no good reason.  I didn't care about the money or the ship, I cared about you.  Harper I love you, you're my best friend and it broke my heart to see you hurt like that."  

I felt my eyes start to water but I pushed away the tears.  Somehow tears were not what I need right now.  I leaned up against the wall my energy spent.  I would never make him see.  I had poured out my heart to him and he just continued standing there with that stupid painted on grin on his face.

"Beka?"  I looked up.  It was the first time he had called me by my name.  "Bos..Beka…"

"Call me either, it's your call."  The smile he shot back was as genuine as I have ever seen from Harper although it still didn't reach his eyes.

"Thanks Boss" He turned and walked out of the room.  I debated following but maybe it would be better to let him think things though himself.  Harper was anything simple with shorty around.

*******

Huge thanks to Raven and Parisindy for helping me out in this next part (ideas are wonderful to the writer block challenged.  I can't believe how quickly you both returned my email.

********

            I don't remember how long it took to load the cargo.  I just remember loading box after box of computer chips.  That wouldn't have been so bad if Rev and I didn't also have to scan each one checking for weapons and drugs.  I didn't trust this client and I remembered too well what the last set of computer chips I hauled turned out to be.  Harper stayed in his room the whole time.  Injured crew created doubts in the hauler abilities my father always said.  Then again he always said the same thing about children and made me and Rafe stay in our room any time someone came aboard.  Maybe it was more he didn't want them to see all the child labor laws he was bending with his two kids running the ship while he was high.  Memories wouldn't help right now though.

            After the ship was loaded I launched and put us into autopilot before we had even left the system.  I crawled into bed and figured I could trust the maru to guild herself until morning.  Until then my sore muscles what nothing more then some quality time with my bed.

            I woke up as I hit the floor.  For a moment I rubbed my hip wondering what had caused me to fall out of bed.  The ship rocked again and the sound of phaser fire told me it wasn't a simple nightmare that had left me on the floor.  I limped to the command deck my body still sore from loading and my hip protesting how I had woken up.  Three ships filled the view port.  What was going on?

            Checking the charts on my right I saw we were right on the client's safe route.  Nothing is safe these days I said with a laugh as I hopped into the polis chair.  Harper stumbled on to the deck and his face told me his awakening had been more painful then mine.  "Kid you might want to hold on to something, we're going on a ride."  I turned on the coms for a moment "All hands brace for some fun kicking these…" but I was cut off by more fire.  I twisted the maru around and search for a way out of the circle they had built around us.  "Can you give me any kind of fire power Harper?"

            "Only some small explosion from venting some gases but I don't think it will give us what we need."

            "So we're going to do this the hard way aaa."  I repositioned my grip on the controls and scanned the space ahead of me.  'Look for an opening' Rafe always said.  'They always leave one.  It's like a magic trick; you just have to find what they don't want you to see.'  A smile lit up my face when I saw the clear picture.  It hard to describe how it all comes together, but in battle and flight suddenly I can just see what I need to do and what the solution is.  To coin an earth phrase a light bulb goes on.  I slip pass the two attacking fighters almost playing chicken with them as they fire at me.  I then turn an open the slipstream portal the other one is guarding.  It's a short trip trough and I lean back in the chair taking deep breaths when we are done.

            "Boss your crazy."  I hear Harper's voice behind me.

            "You already knew that shorty."

            "Yeah but you just proved it."  I turn to look at him.  His face is pale and I can see the pain in his eyes.  His arm is tucked tightly against his body.

            "You ok Harper."

            "Nothing too bad."

            "That's not what I asked."

            "Really Boss I'll be fine till Trance gets up in the morning."

            "But I'm up now."  I heard our purple nurse chime in.  She appeared behind Harper and somehow neither of us heard her coming.  "Come on let me go take a look at you Harper."  Harper sighed and walked off towards the main room that also served as medical, it did have the full first aid kit in it.  I settled back down into the chair enjoying the moments clam and wondering what had happened to our strange but 'safe route.'  My thoughts were interrupted by the chime of the com.

            "What?"  I said, not really caring who it was.  The rat face of our client greeted me.

            "Why are you off the route I gave you?"

            "We were attacked on your safe route.  I had to change the plans so the cargo would stay safe."

            "Well get back on it."

            "But there are ships waiting to shoot up my ship and steal you cargo.  If I take my route you get your cargo and I keep my ship in one piece.  Your route neither ones going to happen."

            "I said get back on the route I gave you."

            "Are you listening, I told you it's not a safe route."

            "It's the route you will be taking unless you want me to charge you with breaking our contract and have the money I already gave you reposed."

            "Fine, give me and my crew the night to rest and in the morning we will continue."

            "I am not paying you to rest."

            "Without rest you're not going to get any of the cargo you are paying for us to haul.  Give us the night.  I'll give you the rest of this haul, but we need one night."

            "I should bring you up on charges but I will give you this one night and this one night only.  For the rest of this trip you will be on my route and my route only, otherwise the deal is off."  With that the screen flashed off and I was greeted with silence.  Something about this deal was giving me a headache and I know it wasn't from falling out of bed.  With a sigh I got up to check on Harper.  It was going to be long week on the this route and I wanted to see if he was up for the repairs the maru was going to need to make it through.  I could get out of the deal somehow if I had to, but it would be better just to go through with it for now.  I had spent all the money.

***

_What if in the quest for profit you lose your soul_

_Pastor Scott_

***


	14. picking up and going on

A/n- sorry this is so short I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday (along w/ a mysterious tooth growing in-between the roots of an adult tooth, bone graphs and many stitches, ouchie). Anyway I am switching off b/t advil and vicoden aright now. So forgive the randomness that might come out of this chapter. I just really wanted to go on from where I left off.

***

__

If you don t mind, I'd like to do it wrong my own way.

Sound designer to director during a play

***

I awoke in my bed the next morning, which is odd, because I don't remember ever going to bed. Then again my body was sore enough without spending the night in the pilots chair. I shuffled out of bed and into the refresher. It took me a little longer to get dressed but the stress of the last week was leaving me wiped. I normally crash after a haul but the personal headaches of the past week had left me drained before this haul began. Speaking of personal problems I wonder how Harper was doing. He looked like he was in some serious pain last night. Although despite that and his arm being in a cast and sling he somehow managed to read all the reports and come up with attack plans while holding on to the railing.

As I walked into the mess Rev and Trance sitting at the table greeted me. "Where's Harper?" I asked.

"Sleeping, or better be. He banged up his arm last night, no damage just more pain. And I am sure that cast hitting his already injured ribs didn't feel very good."

"So other than more pain his ok."

"For now." I mulled over the 'for now' in my brain as I went down the hallway to Harper's quarters. The door was open and the bed empty. So much for bed rest. I walked further down the hallway to engineering. There I was met by the sounds of hammering and welding. I stood watching him work, his left hand was in a cast held to his side with a makeshift sling. He was doing pretty good repair work with his right hand though. He was doing well. He flipped up his goggles with a flick of his head and turned to me. "Hey boss."

"Hey shorty, thought you were suppose to be in bed."

"Maru needed some repairs, and I needed to work on getting the new tools running. Plus getting the ship ready if we are attacked again."

"Harper that isn't your problem."

"Am I a member of this ship?"

"Of course."

"Then the safety of this ship is my problem."

"Alright, but take some breaks ok. I don't like seeing you in so much pain."

"I've lived through worst."

"Yeah but I still want you healthy and pain free. It's called caring for someone Harper."

He didn't respond as his face clouded over with unreadable thoughts. He shook his head down again and knocked his goggles back into place and began welding again, ending our conversation.

With a sigh I headed back to command and hopped into the chair that would take us back to the rat's safe route. I ran my hands up and down the chair debating what I would do. Harper would be ok. He was already working on repairs. Trance and Rev where ready for anything. This crew could handle this run. Was I ready to let them? With I sigh I turned on the coms. "You ready to head back out guys? Report."

"Harper here, I have most of the basic stuff looked at. It think the rest can wait till we're back in route." And give him a chance to rest before he started working again. It was hard to get Harper to stop working but a trip though slipstream worked most days.

"Rev here, I am ready."

"Trance here, ready."

With the last ready I put my hands into the controls. "All hands brace for slipstream." I waited a little longer then normal, I didn't need Harper flying into some random parts and injuring himself further. He was an impossible patient. I then open the portal and headed back to the route.

***

With a sigh I pulled my hands out of the controls. We were back on the safe route that the supplier had told us to travel. I lend back in my chair, Dad always said if you are attacked once on a route it's only a matter of time before you are attacked again. Sharks go into frenzy when they smell blood. Well this girl wasn't going to have anymore of her crew blood spilled on this haul. If they wanted a fight I would give them one and win.

__

****

My sanity went on vacation…five years ago. It never even sent me a post card. The nerve of it.

-queen of randomness

(I think this was in her author's note b4 a fic, I don't remember though were I found it and I don't have permission, but I never do for the quotes, so please don't sue)

***


	15. role reversal (the haul ends?)

A/R (author's ramble)- it's been forever (over a month) and I am sorry, but Iowa was umm… interesting and my brother's house (that he shares w/ two other college guys) was… we won't talk about that.  Dorm room is nice though.  Anyways I have my coke and I am ready.

A/N- my technical knowledge is none, and slipstream.com scares me some days, so no research was done.

_~~~*~~~_
    
    _I see their moral dilemmas._
    
    _I see their raw courage._
    
    _I see their self sacrifice._
    
    _I see our victory._
    
    _Magic card_
    
    _(no I don't remember which one)___

_~~~*~~~_

            I repositioned myself in the chair.  Where do go now, what to do now?  The ship was slowly falling down around us.  There where four more trips through the stream and three more crossing through normal space.  I was tired from the three days of little to no sleep that we had been getting.  I heard the soft shuffle of feet behind me, "Harper I thought I told you to go to bed."

            "I slept for a little bit."

            "Lying in bed for fifteen minutes, doesn't count as sleeping."

            "Boss I've been asleep for over two hours."

            "No I just chased you off to bed."

            "No you didn't, Boss it's 2200."

            "I must have nodded off in the chair."

            "You go sleep; I'll fly for a while."

            "With one arm?"

            "It can be done, beside everyone else is asleep."  With a grumble I left the chair and headed out to bed.  I turned at the door and watched Harper climb into the chair, and key a few keys before he slipped his right hand into the controls.  He was getting better, most people struggled with the opposite hand but Harper almost switched hands without any signs that he hadn't been right handed his whole life.

            Once again I found myself waking up by hitting the floor.  What had Harper done to my ship now?  I stumbled into command the whole ship rocking as we took fire.

            "Harper, what's happening?"

            "What do you think happening boss?   Those jerks are after us again."

            "Or more whatever is on those computer disks," I opened a com channel to the ship that was firing on us.  "This is Beka Valentine of the Eurka Maru, why are you firing on us."

            "Yeah that is going to work Boss."  Right as Harper made his comment the consol rang out noting an incoming message.  I hit the button for audio only.

            'Eurka Maru unload your cargo and we will stop firing."

            "You know I can't do that."

            "Then die."  With that the com channel was closed.

            "Why do they always give such limited choices?"

            "Life tends to always be life or death."  At that moment the whole ship rocket and flashing lights and alarms filled command.  I looked at the console next to me.  "Two hits to the aft port."  I told Harper.

            "We're not going to be able to take another one."  I could to see him starting to over ventilate panicking under the stress.  Flying with one hand was hard; I could see the strain on Harper's face.

            "Alright stay there and try to keep us in one piece, I'll see what I can do."

            "How do you except me to do that."

            "Don't get hit."

            "Oh sure I will just fly around the ships that are shooting at us."

            "That would be a good idea."  I ran down the hall toward the damage section.  I grabbed Harper's abandoned tool beat off the table and stopped at the mess of smoke and sparks that greeted me.  The ship shuttered again.

            "Want some help Beka?"  I tried not to jump at Trance's voice.

            "Yeah we need to get keep this ship together."

            "Well then we better get to work."  I watched as Trance read the report on one of the consoles.  "Beka what does this mean?"  I looked down at the report.  How did she?  Oh well better not to ask.

            "It means we need to repair the conducts over there and get the shields back up."  Trance nodded and we moved over to the section to be repaired.  I soon figured out why Harper always worked with Trance.  She handed me the right tool before I asked and with her help the shields where back up in record time.  The ship had stopped shuttering a few minutes before and I was thrown into Trance as the ship lunged being the familiar trip into slipstream.  I finished welding the paneling back in place and jogged up to the cockpit to see how Harper was doing.  

I walked into command to see his brow was covered in sweat and he was biting his lip.  I don't think he noticed, his eyes where glued to the screen and I could see how hard he was trying to keep the ship on course.  I walked out of the cockpit.  I didn't want to be reasonable for breaking his conservation.

I walked into the engine room where trance stood with Harper's tool belt waiting for me.  "What now Beka?"

I read down the accident report from the Maru.  Autopilot was down again, shied plating was down to a minimum, and the list went on and on.  Environment had been lost in the cargo bay.  I sighed it was good that it was only there and not the rest of the ship.  So much to do and so little parts and time, auto pilot wasn't important right now; the computer parts didn't look to be heat sensitive so environmental could wait.  I took the time to find the systems that would be the next to fail and headed off to work on repairs.

I ran straight for the cockpit the moment I left us come out of slipstream later that day.  Harper looked tried out from the ordeal.  I glanced over at the timer, 1300, when had this day begun.  I couldn't remember when I had been thrown from bed.  "Harper, why don't you get some sleep?  I'll fly for a while."

"Thanks Boss," Harper said as he dragged himself out of the chair and down the hallway.  I slip my hands into the controls.  I gave Harper plenty of time to get to his bed before I headed back into the stream.  I was tired of this haul I was getting this cargo to that rat before the end of the day.


	16. Edward and Prince

Error… types some more… Error… types some more…ERROR… takes an axe to the computer

Paris your reviews and ideas really helped thanks.  Raven I am sooo happy to find out someone thought my grandpa magog (CH 13) thing was funny, I got the image in my head and I had to share it with the world.  Glad to see you back!  Everyone else, your reviews are wonderful and keep me writing, thank you for every single one.  Oh and one day I will update this story at a steady pace…lol

Disclaimer and claimer:  I don't own the maru (couldn't afford the repair bills) or Harper, Beka, Trance and Rev (couldn't afford the medical bills).  I do own Edward; he appeared in my first fic and has shown up in almost every chapter fic I have written since.  I love him dearly but feel free to use him in your stories (if you do I would love a mention in the top, jk, I'm not that shallow.  Ok I am).  And just for this story I created Prince, feel free to borrow him but I don't think he will be a recurring character unless you guys like him.

_~~~*~~~_

_Erin-it's not having a temper,  It's having passion_

_Lori-well then I was very passionate when I cussed him out_

_~~~*~~~_

            "Here's your bloody cargo now give me my money so I can get out of here."

            "Aren't we are one hot tempered red head."  Out of sheer anger I shook my head changing it to blond.  My hair color had nothing to do with my temper.

            "Nice trick, I could make a fortune selling that wig."

            "It's not a wig, and I don't care about you making money.  I care about you giving me the rest of the money you owe me for taking me and my crew on this suicide mission."

            "You lived therefore it wasn't a suicide mission, besides if you want I have another mission for you."

            "I don't think so you.  Now give me my money Gerentex or I will show you a little something about death."

            "Alright here you go.  Never deal with women they get in such a bad mood around that time of the month."

            "Any time of the month I encounter you I am in a bad mood."  With that Beka turned and walked off the space station and back onto the ship.  Trance stood waiting for her at the door.

            "So how did it go."

            "Well I got the money."

            "Well Beka that's great news."

            "Why, you never really care about money."

            "Yeah but we need to get Harper's cast off and the parts for the repair list and…"

            "We're out of money again aren't we?"

            "Sort of, or at least that's what Rev said, but with these half we will be able to pay everything off."

            "And be back where we started… that rat, he knew this would happen."

            "What do you mean Beka."

            "Nothing Trance, I'll be in my room."  I turned and walked into my room and flopped onto the bed.  I was too mad to even think about sleeping though so I sat up at stared I the pictures I had taped to my wall.  Trance and Harper inside some seedy bar, Rev sitting in the mess talking to me, I stood up and touched my favorite one.  It was the four of us standing outside the Maru.  Some street photographer took it and Harper found it in some data streams later.  It was part of his art collection, four stranger forming a strong friend ship.  The laugher shared on their faces clearly showed that.  I was glad Harper had found it and gotten a copy made.  How was our family to survive?  How do four people stop living day to day.  I could take Gerentex job but there would still be bills and more bills.  This would never end.  He would keep offering more money for one last job till he killed us and my crew.  I had dealt with people like him before and I would not be someone's victim again.  We would find another job, with someone new.  I hoped.

            I walked over to the closet and pulled on a pair of faded old flannel pants and a baggy tank top.  Questions could wait till morning, right now I needed to sleep.  It had been two days of straight flying to get here and I was being to feel every move I made.  As I fell asleep I heard the quiet pounding of Harper working on the engines.  I decided to let him work, I was too tired to chase him off to bed.

_~~~*~~~_

_I'm blonde_

_Anya (Buffy:tvs)_

_~~~*~~~_

_~~~*~~~_

_Time spent laughing_

_Is time spent with the gods_

_Japanese proverb_

_~~~*~~~_

            I hear Harper long before I see him.  I make myself sit patiently at the table and not run to greet him at the airlock.  It takes all myself control to remain seated till I hear him call out.

            "Yah here Boss?"

            "Main room, how'd it go?"  I see Harper come bouncing into the main room.  Gone is the cast that has been on his arm this whole haul.  He has a big lopsided smile on his face.  Gone is the white cast and sling from his arm.  He is almost skipping as he walks to the frig and pulls out a can of sparky.

            "Came right off and the doc says it will be back to normal in no time."  He flexes the arm for show.  It has gotten visibly smaller but that was normal.  I was relieved that the doctor we had gone to before we left had been right when he patched up Harper's arm _(A/N- I did mention them going to a doctor in some conversation I just forgot to ever cover the results of the trip… sorry, thanks to Paris for pointing it out) _

 I relaxed in my chair, Harper was fine, the bills where paid for now and in a few days the Maru would be a good as new, well as good as she ever got.  I continued going through the papers on the table trying not to laugh at Harper, almost bounding off the walls, so happy to have his arm back.  Now if I could just find another job.  The money was again gone

~~~*~~~

You two stop that or you can get out and walk to your horribly painful deaths

Xander B:tvs

~~~*~~~

            "Monkey boy, get down here."

            "What do you need Boss."

            "I need you to get down here so I can go over what we need before the next haul."  I watched as Harper flew down from his perch on the engine where he had been working.

            "So what's up boss."

            "After we drop off this load, we have to ship some cargo across the Vernade System."

            "Is that supposed to mean something to me boss?"

            "Well it's not a great area to be traveling through and have a problem."

            "So you're saying if we break down we wind-up with just our socks in the end."

            "Something like that."

            "So you need the genius here to get you a list of separate parts we may need."

            "Ya but the money is tight so…"

            "just the basics"

            "Just the basic of the basic"

            "Got ya Boss, Harper is on the job."  _(Another computer error interrupts typing and destroys last 15min worth of work)  With that Harper climbed back up the drive to his earlier spot._

            "You know Harper you are going to break you neck up there."  I called up at him.

            "Come on boss this is Harper the great you are talking to, I would have to be doing something stupid to do that."

            "I repeat your earlier statement I am talking to Harper the great, known throughout the universe for stupid mistakes."  With those words I watched as Harper jumped off the drive and grabbed on to some cables hanging from the ceiling.  I winced at the sight, but they held his light frame.  One more swing and Harper landed on a pile of crates across the room.  He smile and did a dramatic bow in my direction.

            "Thank you, Thank you; I'll be here all weeeeeeeeeekkkkk."  Harper finished with a yell as he fell into the crate he was standing on.  I couldn't help laughing as I walked over to see if he was all right.  "A little help here boss."  I peaked in the crate to find Harper head sticking out of a pile of teddy bears we were hauling for some mission group.  I fell to the floor laughing at the sight of him buried in the toys.  "Come on Beka I can't get out."

            "You got in" I said gasping for air I was laughing so hard, "you can get out."

            "Booooosssssssss"

            "You're the genius figure a way out."  I said as I turned to walk out of the room to go share the sight with Rev and Trance.  It was about that time that a teddy bear hit me square in the head.  I turned to see a tuff of blonde hair duck back down into the crate.  "You know Harper this is valuable property that we are hauling, it's not to be throw around the ship."

            "And me falling into it is better," Harper said sticking his head out of the crate.  It was at that moment that I fired the teddy bear back in his direction.  It hit the crate and bounced off landing somewhere on the floor.  My miss was met by three more bears flying out of the crate at me.  Soon a small war broke out in the engine room.  Teddy bears, dolls, and strange alien looking toys flew back and forth.  In between laughs I threw the toys at Harper as he popped in and out of the crate.  Trance cried out as she walked in and was nailed by one of the alien creature dolls.

            "What's going on Beka?"  I gasp for air my chest hurt from all the laughing we had been doing.  I turned to look at the confused purple girl before me.

            "Look in the crate."  Trance didn't have to look for Harper chose that moment to pop out of the crate with a small white teddy bear on his head.

            "Harper?"  Trance said over taken by a fit of giggles.  "What are you doing with the shipment?"

            "The lid was faulty and I fell in."

            "Or maybe it wasn't made to hold monkey engineers who jump on to them."

            "The situation does not justify poor craftsman ship."

            "Harper it's just some toys to be handed out on some kids slave planet."  Harper's face fell at my words.  Damn it Beka! I mentally kicked myself.  You just got the kid to trust you again and then you have to talk about slave planets.  What is earth, five star resorts?  No dumbo it's a slave planet.  Err sometimes I wonder what my mouth is thinking cause it isn't you head doing the talking.  I bent over and start picking up the stuff toys scattered all over the deck.  I glanced over and saw Harper climbing out of the crate.  I walked over and dumped my armload of bears inside.  "Don't think they are any worst for wear."

            "I'm afraid this one is," Trance walked up holding a blue bear in a pair of pink overalls.  If the color scheme wasn't bad enough somehow in the fight we had thrown the teddy bear into a puddle of oil or hit a dirty pipe.  The whole side of it was covered in black grease.  It was ruined and no way that any child would ever want it.  Trance cradled the bear in her arms even though the grease was now getting on her outfit

            "I guess we can try and replace it at the next stop.  There isn't anyway they can give that out."  I started to take the teddy from Trance but she moved slightly blocking me.

            "It would be more dirty then that in a week."

            "Yeah but we can't deliver damaged goods.  Even if it is for some missionaries, we are already doing this at half fair because we had to pick-up our next shipment in the same system.  I don't want to lose anymore money when they see we had a pillow fight with their supplies."

            "Beka I think you have a low regard of missionaries if you think they would be so petty.  Give them a chance."  I looked up for a moment a Rev who was now standing in the door way.  How much of the conversation had he overheard before he walked in.

            "Your right Rev.  I guess I am not use to working with nice honest people for a change."  With a smile and a half laugh Rev left the room.  I walked over to the crate now completely repacked minus one bear.  I took another look at the bear still cradled in Trances arm, "they may be religious but no kid would ever want a bear in that condition."  Harper's face fell and he turned and walked out of the room.  Great another foot in my mouth I thought as Harper walked out.  I stared at the door wondering how I was ever going to be able to understand Harper, or him to understand me.

            "You should go talk to him."  Trance said breaking my quiet mental whipping of myself.

            "What?  I think I am the last person he wants to talk to Trance."

            "You should go talk to him."  She said handing me the ruined teddy bear and leaving the room.  I was again alone with my thoughts.  I listened to them tell me everything I was doing wrong and how because of me, Harper and I would never be friends.  I listen the whole way as I walked down the hallway to Harper's room.  I listened as I knocked on the door.  I continued listening as the door open under my knock and I saw Harper lying on his bed.  I had listened to the voices all this time but something on Harper's chest made them stop dead.  It was a small bear.  It was gray and all its fur had curled into little balls.  I had the feeling at one time it had been white but it was now varying shades of gray.  It sat an almost formless lump on his chest like he had been studying it since he walked out of engineering.  When he saw me at he doorway he sat up and shoved the bear under the mattress.

            The voices had stop and a smile grew on my face.  I walked down to my quarters and opened the top drawer on my nightstand.  There he sat smiling at me, right next to my spare gass gun and makeup.  I picked up Prince and gave him a quick hug before heading back down the hall.   I sat down on the floor next to Harper's bed and placed Prince on my lap.

            "I call him Prince, Uncle Sid gave him to me after him and my dad went planet side for some deal.  Claimed my dad bought it for me, but well, Dad always forgot about the little things, like his kids."  I looked down at the almost shapeless form of fabric in my lap.  Prince, my frog price, had faded from dark green to a light lime.  His fur was in balls and missing in some parts.  I had resewn his legs a couple times to get them to stay on.

            Harper sighed for a moment and pulled the white bear I had seen earlier out from under the bed.  "I take it you have seen Edward.  Named by my sister, he was given to her by some missionaries.  I got him after she died."  I couldn't help but gasp as he said that.  In such a deadpan voice, the tone seemed to say, it happened, then end, life goes on, even though her's didn't.  Harper didn't seem to hear my gasp or just choice to ignore it.  "Edward was covered in mud and blood but he was my first toy, my only toy."  He looked up at me and smiled.  "Guess you know my little secret now boss?"

            "Yeah but you know mine too."

            "So we both still have our stuff toys."

            "And pull them out when we need them."  Harper gave me another half grin.  We were so different, our childhoods, our lives, our dreams, but somehow I didn't see that in Harper's smile.  I saw that deep down; we understood each other more than anyone else had before.

~~~*~~~

No one understands me

Like my teddy

~~~*~~~


	17. money problems

A/N- what has is been a month since the last post, man I am slow, this story deservers better.  This was all written around a month ago… I have a plan on where I am heading with this but I am not sure…

Major thanks MW for catching that, I hate when computer formatting fails me!!!

_~~~*~~~_

_"Turbulence is life force._

_It is opportunity._

_Let's love turbulence and use it for a change."_

_Ramsay Clark:___

_~~~*~~~_

            "Harper I don't think you understand, we can't get these parts."

            "Boss it's not a matter of these parts would be nice, or I think we may need these parts.  This is matter of we get these parts or the Maru won't make it to the next port under her own power."

            "Harper there has to be a way to make the parts last longer."

            "Captain I may be a genius but even the Harper is not that good."  I stank into the chair next to me and let out a sigh.  Money, again it all boiled down to the dollar sign.

            "Anyways we can buy stuff and build them, we all could help."

            "Umm do you remember what happened the last time Trance got near engineering?"

            "Last time, you mean when she got her tail stuck in one of the vents and blew out three circuits."  I smiled remember Trance yelling at Harper while he whined about the damage to the maru, something about not caring for her and her tail more then a stupid ship.  That started one very long argument; I think they were both still recovering.  "Ok so Trance won't help this time.  But Harper you've been on this boat for almost four years now, you know what money is like."

            "There's never any.  Trust me; it's the story of my life."

            "Yeah so what do we do now?"

            "Get another job that pays upfront."

            "Those are hard to find, and those that do tend to do more damage then the money we get ever covers."

            "Aren't they supposed to cover damage fees?"

            "Better lawyers Harper."  Harper sat down across from me staring off into space.

            "What about that other job Beka?"

            "Which one?  Genexe no.  Not his that other on from the information traders."

            "The one's that wanted to put a data port in my head and use me to transfer ilgeal data across space lines for their war.  No way Harper, I am never putting one of those things in my head."

            "You don't have ta."

            "It's a requirement for the job; some member of this crew needs to have a data port…."  I stopped relieving what Harper wanted.  "No!  No way, Harper, those surgeries are risky at best and that is when they are done at good faculties and since they are play nice will be the last way to describe this place."

            "Beka, we need the money, there's no other options… and we can use it for other hauls.  I mean think of it the ability to download information from a computer.  It would even come in handy for fixing the Maru."  Harper was almost drooling thinking of what he could do with a data port.  I looked at him, the marks of his last encounter where gone.  His arm had healed; there weren't any scars on his face from the pipe blowing up.  Amazingly he had stayed healthy for the last month.  Maybe this would work.  But that would require the universe being on our side for once, and that never happens.

_~~~*~~~_

_Why is the path unclear?_

_When we know home is near?_

_Once more with feeling-B:tvs_

_~~~*~~~_


	18. the data port part 1

Wow people are still reading this, Raven I sorry I haven't reviewed your new chapters, can't wait to read them but I don't want to read your data port story till I have written mine… (I don't want to 'steal' any ideas)

_~~~*~~~_

_A man who wants to do something will find a way_

_A man who doesn't will find an excuse_

_Stephen Dolley Jr._

_~~~*~~~_

            I looked over at Harper in the white hospital scrubs.  I had to hand it to the dealer, this place looked halfway decent, but maybe he didn't want to spend the money to have Harper up and die on him before he could finish the job.  Then again there had been mountains of paper work to read through for this job, release form after release form saying Harper wouldn't sue for damages, I wouldn't sue for the lost of my engineer and any of his family wouldn't sue for damages if he died.  My head was still spinning as I thought of all that paper work.  But each form signed got us more money, and bribes still was ways to pay the bills. 

 None of that was important now as I looked into Harper's scared blue eyes.  Trance stood next to him and took his hand.  "Soon it will all be over and you'll have that data port you always wanted." She said bubbling over with joy, somehow her excitement seemed to be countering all of our fears.    I just hoped in the end we could all be excited in the end.  Rev had stayed on the maru but I knew he would be sitting by the comms waiting for any news. Harper seemed to clam down a little until the nurse walked up with a large needle.

            "What is that?"

            "They just need to give you some drugs; you don't want to be awake for the operation do you?"  Trance said with that same smile on her face.

            "There are these things called hypos, inject meds in through the skin.  No punctures, no rather large needles."  Harper had drawn his feet up to his chest and moving up the bed and away from the nurse.

            "One little pinch."  The nurse said reaching out for Harper's arm.

            "There is nothing little about that needle."  Harper said who was now facing the fact that he had no where else to go and was trapped on the bed between Trance, the nurse, and I.  Trance took the hand she was holding and gave it to the nurse, who found the vein with amazing speed and stuck Harper.  "Traitoooorrr" Harper said as he pasted out.

            "That was fast," I said as the nurse straighten out the ball that was Harper and laid him flat on the bed.

            "Not the medicine, the guys have a tendency to faint before the sedative ever works."

            "It's that dangerous to have the patients pass out before surgery."  Trance said.  I covered my mouth trying to hide the laughter.

_~~~*~~~_

_It takes courage to live;_

_Courage and strength and hope and humor_

_Jerome Fleischman_

_~~~*~~~_

            "Arrrggg… did anyone get the number of that ship that hit me."  I stood up and turned to see Harper.  His face was pale from the blood lost and a large bandage was wrapped around his neck but the blue eyes that stared up at me where clear and full of hope.

            "How you doing sleeping beauty?"

            "Like I need to go back and sleep for another hundred years.  So did it work?"

            "Yeah it went fine, they since you back here once you where out of surgery."

            "So when do I get to test this baby out."

            "Not for a while Harper, like they said tissue has to heal, and nerve tissue takes longer."

            "Even longer on a mudfoot," he mumbled.   I smiled, there was no point in saying anything more, and the truth was Harper took longer to heal.  His head must have felt pretty bad if he wasn't trying to get out of bed.  He stank back into his pillow and winced as the material touched his neck.

            "You want some pain pills."

            "with some sparky."

            "I don't think so Harper."

            "Please?"  I laughed as I walked into the mess and got the pills they had given me for Harper along with a glass of water.  The kid hated drinking water but I wasn't going to give him a sparky when the doc said no stimulates for a month and plenty of fluids.  You play nurse maid long enough you begin to learn that certain things are common sense and certain things don't mix.  Hangovers and loud noises, cats and water, damaged nerves and stimulates I was sure was in that package somewhere.  I walked into Harper's room.  He was lying as still as a board on the bed.  His eyes closed and sweat beating on his forehead.

            "Got the pills, think you can sit-up?"  Harper lifted his head up a few inches and stopped, biting his lip he stuck back into the bed.  I put my hand on his arm and slowly lifted him up.  He opened his eyes; I could see tears starting to form.  I brought the pills to his mouth and then the glass of water which he sipped a little bit.  I began to let him back down when he muttered something.  

Before I could ask what he had said, I was covered in a warm liquid; once again I had gotten to know Harper's insides, up close and personal.  I bit my lip and slowly let Harper back on to the bed.  The kid looked so miserable there I didn't have the heart to say anything about it.  I went to the bathroom and looked at the damage; well it wasn't the first time.  I ran a washcloth under the sink and headed back to Harper's room.  He was already asleep thanks to the pills.  I cleaned up his face the best I could.  The bed and his clothes could wait till he felt better.  I walked down the hall grabbed my boxers and tank off my bed and back into the shower.  I let the hot water come rushing down on me as I leaned my head against the tiles.  This in no way was going to be an easy run.

_~~~*~~~_

_Bad guy-all she wanted was some to care for her, someone to watch over her_

_Jarod__- Someone did_

_The Pretender_

_~~~*~~~_


	19. past and present nightmares

Two months… ahhh I am a bad bad author.  I should have finished this up a month ago and not left you guys hanging so long.  Ok here is a bit more and maybe I can find some more plot kittens and get working on this

Warning-momentary usage of strong langue (bad bad beka)

Oh and I am looking for a beta or someone to bounce ideas off of for this story, if you are even the least bit interested please email me! Lauriena82@yahoo.com

_~~~*~~~_

_my__darien__ fawks like voice over_

_ the bible says the truth will set you free,_

_now__ I don't know about that, but I do know the truth hurts sometimes._

_But maybe that is freedom, letting go of the secrets of our pasts,_

_And letting the truth be known_

_~~~*~~~_

I woke up with a start on the floor of the maru.  It took me a moment to figure where I was and wrestle my way out of my bed sheet prison.  It took only a few seconds for me to figure out why I had fallen out of bed.  I could hear Harper's screams from down the hallway like he was standing next to me.  I ran down the hallway as fast as I could to his room..

            He was trashing like a fish out of water against the unseen demons of his past.  "You're ok," I said as I sat down on the mattress next to him.  "Harper, it's ok, you're safe here Harper"  He open his eyes as I said his name again.

            "Beka?"  His whole body seemed to relax the moment he woke up. "I'm fine, sorry to wake you up boss."

            "You wanna talk?"

            "I don't think so, it was just so real."

            "Dreams can be,"

            "No I mean it was, I mean I still feel like, like, I should still be dreaming, or not dreaming.  The dream, I thought it was really happening around me.  I still think that I should still be there, it the dream"

            "Harper, calm down your not making any sense, not to mention you are lots of funky happy pills, you aren't thinkin' straight"

            "But boss I have been one some funky meds before and I have never had dreams like this."

            "You think the port has something to do with it?"

            "I don't know what to think… unless" Harper said laying back down in bed, exhaustion starting to overwhelm him.

"Spit it out kid."

"Well the surgery,"

            "What about the surgery?" I knew Harper needed his sleep but I needed to hear what he had to say.

            "Well the whole time, I could feel everything."

            "Son of… those frelling lying..," I yelled as I jumped to my feet, unable to contain my anger, I paced back and forth in the small room, "they told me it was a safe facity," my yells echoed down the ship halls and I knew I was waking Trance and Rev but I just didn't care.  "that's it the jobs over we don't need those scumbags money. Harper if you had told me!" 

            "Boss!"  Harper yelled sitting up in bed grabbing a hold of my pant leg trying to stop my rant.  I stopped in my tracks looking into Harper's pale face.  "it didn't hurt, I could just feel what they were doing, it was the oddest thing.  I mean surgeries hurt a whole frelling lot."

            I sat back down on the bed, my earlier anger forgotten by the hunted look on Harper's face.  "You say that like you know."

            "There are many ways to make money on earth, not all legal and not all kind to your fellow humans."

            "What do you mean?"

            "Do I need to spell it out?"

            "For this stupid spacer, ya"

            "They would hunt kids down on the street and sell them for experiments, I got caught and it was a few days before some Nietzscheans decide that the results weren't coming fast enough and killed the man and freed all of us."

            I bit my lip, unsure what to do with this new information Harper had just shared with me.  Part of me wanted to go running out the door and deny that there were people in this universe that would do that to a kid and that Harper was just a lying mudfoot.  But I knew the truth.  Harper rolled back over pulled his knees up to his chest and covers up under his chin.  I sat beside the bed with my back leaning on the wall.

What horrors had Harper seen in his short life, then I had to smile.  Here I called him kid and referred to his short life.  I was only a few years older than him, but yet I felt I had to protect him.  Protect him from all the horrors of the world he had already seen.

_~~~*~~~_

_I've seen so much more than you know now_

_So don't tell me to shut  my eyes_

_~~~*~~~_

sorry it's short but I can't think of what to write next, ideas please!


	20. trapped in the past

****

A/N- thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I can't believe people are still reading this. I would think you all had given up on me ever updating any of my stories (I am a bad bad author). On the plus side I have 12 sewing projects done… anyone want a patchwork purse?

****

Thanks-to aimless for her ideas (they were great) and betaing this part, and all the people who emailed me with encouragement. It meant the world to me. And Nuri who sent me inspiring pictures of Aragorn while I was typing this

~~~*~~~

They hide in the dark so you can't see their tears

They hide is the light, so you can't see their fears

Hell is for Children

~~~*~~~

Harper sat on the only patch of visible floor in his room between the door and the bed with his back against the wall, sweat forming on his brow. The time had come for his first real interface with a computer. After the surgery, there had been tests to check the connections, but those had been mild and doctor monitored. This was the first big one, no medical staff here. The lackey for the client carried a small, hand-held computer with a wire going to an adapter to fit into Harper's port. I could see Harper trying to contain his fears. It didn't help that the three of us were crammed into the tiny storage closet that severed as his room.

He had been quieter than normal these days. He was still trying to fight the memories of what happened to him on earth, but the nightmares at night were wearing him and me down a little more each day. Harper was hiding behind his protective wall again. After I had spent so long breaking it down. Three years of work and the boy still didn't completely trust me, maybe he never would.

The man knelt beside Harper on the small bed that filled the room and the plug aimed at the port. Harper closed his eyes in preparation, but jerked away at the last minute. 

"You want to do it?" the lackey questioned irritably. Harper gave a quick nod and slowly placed the plug outside the port, he just sat there biting his lip. "Come on kid, ether you do it or I force it in." 

I clamped my hand down on the guys shoulder with my other hand firmly on my gun. He gave a half smile and raised up his hands shifting his weight, ready to run if needed.

"Calm down girly, he can do it." I looked over the man's head to find Harper sliding the plug in with a grimace on his face. His body slumped back on the wall. His eyes moving behind the lids like he was dreaming. I let out the breath I had been holding, but I continued shifting nervously from foot to foot until Harper's eyes opened again and he pulled out the jack. He handed it back to the lackey who grunted and left with the same stupid smile on his face.

Harper crawled the few inches to his bed and curled up into a ball around his pillow, his face completely drained of color. "You okay?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. I put my hand on Harper's arm but he shrugged it off. I took in a deep breath, trying to contain my frustrations. How could one person have so many walls and them so closely guarded? Before I could form the words to another question, Harper was asleep. The simple act of downloading the files had exhausted him. The doctors had warned me about side effects that could occur until his brain got use to the port, but they didn't say he would get tired this quickly. I wandered back the main room to let Harper sleep.

It was a few hours before I came back to check on Harper and found him trapped in the middle of a nightmare. He was covered in a cold sweat and completely wrapped up in his sheets. I shook him to try to wake him only to be met by a shove and scream. "What have you done to me?" He screamed, crawling into the far corner of the room. "Don't touch me!" He put his back to the wall sitting with his knees pulled up tight against his chest. He buried his head into his knees with his hands behind his head. It looked almost like the tuck position for crash landings. I could hear him muttering but the words were hard to hear. I wanted to go to him and pull him out of his nightmare of the past, but I was sure that going to him now would only make the demons attack harder. 

"Harper! Come on shorty, it's me, Beka. I would never hurt you, please calm down," I pleaded.

Harper continued to rock back and forth. I could make out a little of the mumbling, "Always hurt…live to hurt us…never safe."

"Harper, I won't hurt you, you're my friend. Remember your friend, Beka?"

"No friends…no friends…Neitzcheans don't befriend humans."

"Look at me Harper, I'm not a Niezchean, I'm your friend, Beka." I said kneeling down front of the small mattress that completely filled the room.

Harper slowly lifted his head and looked at me. "What is a human doing with them?" he questioned?

"With who?"

"Them…the doctors…you know, the ones who do the tests."

I swallowed, wondering if I wanted to know the answer to my next question. "What tests?" I asked as I inching onto the mattress that filled the small room and approached Harper.

"The tests…the ones that did this to me." He said rolling up so he was balancing on the balls of his feet, bouncing maniacally.

"Did what to you?" I asked slowly sitting next to Harper who was almost jumping up and down.

"I don't know, but they did something," he said, shaking his head back and forth in his hands.

"What?"

"I told you I don't know!" He had leaned down so the words were yelled right into my face. He then pressed his back against the wall again and slid down into a sitting position. I was taken back, not sure how to handle his ever-changing personalities. Harper went back to shaking his head, more slowly now, once again muttering to himself. "It's all a mess a jumble…can't sort it out…all a mess…" Harper trailed off as he laid down and curled up in a ball with his head in my lap. He was asleep again, and I was trapped, puzzling over what I had just seen. 

I looked up at the open door to see Trance and Rev looking at me from the doorframe, concern filling both of their faces. Trance studied me and Harper for a moment before giving me one of her knowing and understanding smiles. She joined us at the far end of the room, without even disturbing the mattress as she walked on it. She gave me a look that made me feel as if, somehow, it would all be alright, even though I didn't know how it could be. 

Trance sat down in front of me and began gently running her hand through Harper's hair, talking softly in a language I didn't understand or recognize. The look of fear slowly faded from Harper's face and he fell into a peaceful sleep. Next, I found myself waking up with Trance gone and a peacefully sleeping Harper in my lap. 

It had been so long since I had seen him like this. I lifted his head up and moved out from under him, feeling the effects of spending the night sleeping sitting up. I limped into the main room as the movement started to ease the stiffness from my knees and back. 

Rev was sitting at the table in the main room with a book in front of him. "Your coffee is on the counter." I nodded and got my cup before sinking into the chair across from Rev.

"Is master Harper still sleeping?"

"Yea, and peacefully for once, but I am sure it won't be for long." I said staring into my coffee cup, like inside it I would somehow find the answers to Harper's past and how we could help him.

"He still has demons he must fight." Rev said in a soothing tone. Putting down his book, I didn't have to look up to know the understanding look that would be in his eye. Full of more patience that I could ever find

"If only he would let us help." I vented rolling the rim of the cup on the table, letting the coffee slosh around inside until some spilled out onto my hand. I dropped the cup back to the table. Annoyed with the coffee for burning me and more myself for being stupid. I almost felt trapped inside of my skin, and wanted to scream. I began drumming my fingers on the table trying to contain my emotions.

"You can't give him help if he doesn't want it." Rev said taking my hand and stopping my drumming.

"But he needs it." I cried out, pulling my hand away.

"He has managed this long without you," Harper said, stressing the words so hard he was almost yelling as he walked into the main room. Bags still loomed under his eyes and he slowly shuffled over to the counter and out of my line of sight.

"Harper," I called, trying to decide my next sentence and the tension in the room mounted.

"What?" he asked, almost yelling.

"Lay off the caffeine." I reminded him, trying to be as gentle as possible. I heard a muffled curse and the sound of liquid being poured down the sink. He made his way back to the table empty handed.

"You want something to eat?" I offered, standing up and pulling out a chair for him as he shuffled to the table.

"Why you think I need something to eat?" he growled, giving me a dirty look before sitting down in another chair

"Harper, I'm not the one waking the whole crew up with my screams every time I go to bed." I pointed out too tired to have any sort of tact left.

"Boss I'm fine."

"Harper you're not fine. I know you don't want to talk but maybe you need to."

"I don't need to do anything." With that Harper stormed out of the room. I started after him but a fury hand stopped me.

"Don't Beka, he will come when he is ready."

~~~*~~~

"_and if by life or death I can save you, I will."_

-Aragorn

~~~*~~~


	21. past tense

A/N- I know it is short, but I am sort of stuck right now, and I figured after 2 months I should give you all the little bit I have written.

Quote/song disclaimer-I have finally come out from hiding under the couch in the Harperchondriac ward, and for all of you who know why I was there you also know why I am saying this……the quotes, song sips and other things I put before, after and sometimes in the middle of my fics are not mine, they are the people who I give credit to.  This is followed by the statement that I make no money on anything I write, so if you see a quote used that is yours feel honored go on with your life…… or write me a nice email telling me the story and the quote that I used that's yours and that you would like me not to use it and then I will get rid of it and I will find another quote to use… thanks (I hate disclaimers)

_~~~*~~~_

your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
these wounds won't seem to heal  
this pain is just too real  
there's just too much that time cannot erase

_(did you really think one mean guy on the internet would stop me from using quotes in my writing?)_

_~~~*~~~_

            I stood outside Harper's room listening to his screams; I bit my lip debating whether or not to go in.  Every night of this mission Harper has had violent nightmares.  His screams wake up all of us, we have all tried to go in a wake him up and we are all sporting wounds of our attempts along with the bags under our eyes.  We are walking on eggshells around him and nothing seems to help.  It just gets worst and worst.  

Yesterday he almost stabbed Rev.  Harper was repairing a burned out cooling coil when Rev walked through the hallway nearby.  Harper jumped out and swung at him with the knife he keeps in his boot.  He back Rev into a corner, completely lost to reality in memories of Earth.  Trance found the two of them, she tried talking him down but nothing worked.  Finally she ran and got me and the two of us had a tackle Harper and hold him down until he passed out from exhaustion.

Rev carried him back to his room where the three of us strip searched him for more weapons.  He had lost so much weight since the operation and his skin was ghostly white.  Everyday we seem to lose him a little more to his past, none of us can get through to him.  It's been almost three years since he came on board.  I have never seen him this bad, sure he has slipped into 'earth mode' before where he is always on guard and lets no one near him.  But he has gotten better over the years…. Now, damn Harper, why did this have to be so bad right now?  Why can't you seem to know we are your friends, why don't you know this is your home, why can't you see you have left that hell behind?

I don't know how much more of this I can take, I can't run a ship with a crazed engineer, even if he was my best friend.  Was, past tense, is that what our friendship has become, the past.  I want my Harper back, not this insane earthling before me.  After we drop off the information in Harper's brain I am going to have to sit down with Trance and Rev and make some decisions.  I never thought I would be deciding what to do with Harper, he always was so independent, I could decide what I wanted to do, but when it came to Harper, Harper always made the calls.  Now he can't do much of anything, some days are better than other.  

Lately though the good days have been few and far between.  I have been locking the door to his room at night, his own little prison, but I think his mind is more of a prison for him right now then the storage closet we call a room, just a mattress on the floor with some belonging thrown about.  Mostly it's just clothes now; we have had to remove anything he can use to hurt others or himself.

I sigh and look down at the bills in front of me, fuel, medical bills, food, parts; the bills seem to go on forever.  Overwhelming bills, stupid bills, it's these frelling bills that lead to Harper getting his port, that port that… I can start to feel tears well up in my eyes.  I can't stand it anymore; the bills hit the far wall as anger overcomes me.  I will not cry, I will not lose it, I will not lose him.  I can't lose Harper.

As hard as I try to fight them the tears soon over power me and I find myself curled up on the floor of the main room.  Crying until my chest hurts, until I can't breath, until I am finally out of tears.  I am spent, I just sit there, I can't go on like this

_~~~*~~~_

_when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears  
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears  
and i've held your hand through all of these years  
but you still have all of me_

_…._

_i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
and though you're still with me  
i've been alone all along_

_"My Immortal"_

_~~~*~~~_


	22. present problems

_~~~*~~~_

_my hands hold my face_

_wondering how I ended  up in this place_

_look in the mirror I don't see myself_

_playing with fire I hurt someone else_

_she cries_

_~~~*~~~_

Another day, another nightmare, the endless nightmares that life has become on the Maru, all since that damn port was installed.  Part of me wishes I could just rip it out of Harper's head, along with all of Harper's memories of earth.  But there is nothing I can do to help him at this point; I have to face this fact.  That's what I keep saying to myself as I sit in front of screen looking at the forms for admittance into the mental hospital on Traldus Prime. 

 Its not the best place but I don't know what else to do.  Its either this or I don't know.  I can't keep Harper around, the insanity is too much.  He is locked in his room twenty four hours a day does it really matter if the room he is locked in is here or some nut house.  That's what I keep telling myself.  But through the lies I know the truth I am leaving him behind cause he has gotten to be too much of a burden.  I save the form and leave, I need to think.  I can't do this, and yet I feel like I have to.  I have to make some decision, the run is over tomorrow.

_~~~*~~~_

The guy from the dealer has such a sickening smile I want to scream.  "So where the kid with the port?"  I nod towards Harper's room and the guy follows behind me.  The door to his room is open.  He is curled up in a ball with his head on Trance's lap.  She is playing with his hair and whispering something to him.  I am not sure if it is too soft for me to hear or it's not in common.  

It's the calmest I have seen Harper in a long time.  Maybe it means he is getting better, or maybe it's just the little of sedatives laced food we gave him is taking effect, but he hardly eats these days so its hard to really know if that trick really worked.  

The runner just walks right up kneels down and sticks the connecter in Harper's port.  Harper tenses and bits off a scream as his body goes limp in Trances arms.  His eyelids flutter like he is dreaming and a few minutes later the lackey smile grows bigger, Harper comes to and the lackey pulls out the connecter and hands me a large some of credits.  I can't help but wince thinking of what this money has cost us.  "There is another run we need done if you are interested?"

"We're not"

"Really, cause we are the ones who paid for that port, very expensive and a great lost for us if it was taken from us."

"Just leave" I said reaching for my gun, hoping he isn't going to push things.  His smile gets annoyingly bigger, making me wonder how many teeth this guy has before he turns tail and goes out the airlock.

"Just remember, that port is ours"  I almost yell well you can have it but I know what that means.  They gut Harper and sell the port with his gray matter still attached.  Although another piece of me wonders…

~~~*~~~

He's the same color as the sheets; I can't help but think as I stand next to Harper's bed.  He would just have to close his eyes and he would disappear among the sea of white.  They shaved his head so if I pretend I can say it's not even him I am looking at.  But those scared eyes could only belong to one person.  No one else could have eyes that sad.  I take his hand, trying to ignore the leather straps that keep him tied to the bed.  'Oh Harper, how did it get to this point?  Why couldn't you have fought off those demons, you helped me fight off mine.  I am sure we could have faced yours together.'  I blink away the tears and turn to leave.  As I go I know the look of betrayal in those eyes won't leave me behind.

The walk down the white hallway seems to take centuries, Rev and Trance wait for me at the end.  Rev head is bowed, saying prayers to the Divine for Harper.  Trance has tears silently flowing down her face.  The plant that she brought for Harper still in her arms, they wouldn't let her bring it to him.  She cradles it protectively in her arms and her tears water it.  She nods to acknowledge that I am back.  We all look at the door but none of us move towards it.  We stand in the lobby, and odd trio that remains a member short.

"We can't do this Beka" Trance says through her tears.

"What choice do we have" I say looking at the floor.

"We can not always know the will of the Divine, or its greater plan." Rev murmurs as he gently takes my hand and leads us towards the exit and back to the maru.

_~~~*~~~_

 "Eurka Maru requesting permission to dock."  My voice is so dead and monotone even I don't recognize it.  But somehow the voice sensors still know its me.

"Permission granted, welcome to the space station Ne…" I slam my hand down on the controls muting the happy voice that is pleasantly listing off all of the great attractions we can visit.  No one should be that happy, even if they are a computer simulated voice. 

I grab my gun and jacket and head off to meet the latest client for the latest deal that is going to go horribly wrong.  That is how everything goes, it's an endless cesspool of creeps, flash heads, and leaning sharks, out here and I am being sucked in deeper in their world everyday.  The bar I find myself in looks exactly like how I feel, dark, dirty and run down.  I sit down in a corner and order a large mug of the house brew.  I haven't had a drink in a long time but I needed something to drink.  The contact was taking forever I lose count of the glasses I drain by the time he finally come through the door.

"Scotch on the rocks and another of whatever she is having, so you're captain Valentine"

"Yup" I said, watching the ice my now empty cup, and wondering why the bartender was taking so long to bring the next one.

"And I hear you have a fast ship and a good pilot"

"one of the besss" I mutter grabbing my drink as it is set down on the table.  I take a huge swig and wait for this idiot to get done with all of his fancy talk and tells me what illegal goods he wants me to take me where.

"Good, cause I need a new pilot."  He said grabbing my hand and pulling me towards him while sticking a gun in-between my ribs.

"This pilot isn't goin anywhere with yous" I said trying to pull away, but the dude was stronger than he looked.  I knew I had to get away but the more I struggled the more he laughed.

"Come on now, you are making a scene honey." He said as he passed by the bar placing something in the women behind the counter hands.  "Sorry we had a fight, she should learn she really can't hold her liquor."

"You don't know me, let me go." I scream but he digs the gun in deeper to my side.

"You understand don't you" He said flashing a smile and throwing a few more credits her way.  "I just need to take her home"

"You not tak me anywore" I yell but yet I find myself being taken through the streets and no one reacts to my cries for help.  The man keeps his grip on me, walking way too fast and I can barely keep up.  He is almost carrying me through the crowd.  I find myself in the docks, I can see the Maru but he takes me to the other side, towards a larger warship.  I am not going on that ship.  

I kick him as hard as I can and he loosens his grip.  I struggle to get away and only find myself on the floor of the dock.  The gun makes another appearance and I watch as it comes in at an arch towards my head.  Stars explode which makes me laugh because there are no view ports here and no stars.  I feel myself getting thrown over the man's shoulder and through the haze I know I am in trouble.  Then again I am finding I don't really care.

_~~~*~~~_

_Abby: (sighs) We can't go back.  
Johnny: Is that the only direction there is?_

_~~*~~~_


	23. past, present, and future weridness

AN-nureek-"And what did you do to Harper!! OMG! And now Beka?! You better update quicker this time! ;P" so its been seven months since I updated, but amazingly I still have people willing to help me see this story through to the end, thanks to MW, LRH and Mary Rose for being willing to bounce ideas with me and giving me the go ahead. And everyone else who keeps reading and reviewing

General reminders this is all from beka's pov, harper is nutzo and in a mental ward (not just prisoner in the harperchondriacs ward :-D) and Beka got drunk and got captured by their new 'client'

Additional disclaimers at the end

In the last few chapters of beka's story

_"There are many ways to make money on earth, not all legal and not all kind to your fellow humans."_

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "Do I need to spell it out?"_

_ "For this stupid spacer, ya"_

_ "They would hunt kids down on the street and sell them for experiments, I got caught and it was a few days before some Nietzscheans decide that the results weren't coming fast enough and killed the man and freed all of us."_

_…_

_"Harper, I won't hurt you, you're my friend. Remember your friend, Beka?"_

_"No friends…no friends…Neitzcheans don't befriend humans."_

_"Look at me Harper, I'm not a Niezchean, I'm your friend, Beka." I said kneeling down front of the small mattress that completely filled the room._

_Harper slowly lifted his head and looked at me. "What is a human doing with them?" he questioned?_

_"With who?"___

_"Them…the doctors…you know, the ones who do the tests."_

_I swallowed, wondering if I wanted to know the answer to my next question. "What tests?" I asked as I inching onto the mattress that filled the small room and approached Harper._

_"The tests…the ones that did this to me."__ He said rolling up so he was balancing on the balls of his feet, bouncing maniacally._

_"Did what to you?" I asked slowly sitting next to Harper who was almost jumping up and down._

_"I don't know, but they did something," he said, shaking his head back and forth in his hands._

_"What?"_

_"I told you I don't know!" He had leaned down so the words were yelled right into my face. He then pressed his back against the wall again and slid down into a sitting position. I was taken back, not sure how to handle his ever-changing personalities. Harper went back to shaking his head, more slowly now, once again muttering to himself. "It's all a mess a jumble…can't sort it out…all a mess…" Harper trailed off…_

_…_

_I stood outside Harper's room listening to his screams; I bit my lip debating whether or not to go in. Every night of this mission Harper has had violent nightmares. His screams wake up all of us, we have all tried to go in a wake him up and we are all sporting wounds of our attempts along with the bags under our eyes. We are walking on eggshells around him and nothing seems to help. It just gets worst and worst. _

_…_

_ I sigh and look down at the bills in front of me, fuel, medical bills, food, parts; the bills seem to go on forever. Overwhelming bills, stupid bills, it's these frelling bills that lead to Harper getting his port, that port that… I can start to feel tears well up in my eyes. I can't stand it anymore; the bills hit the far wall as anger overcomes me. I will not cry, I will not lose it, I will not lose him. I can't lose Harper._

_As hard as I try to fight them the tears soon over power me and I find myself curled up on the floor of the main room. Crying until my chest hurts, until I can't breath, until I am finally out of tears. I am spent, I just sit there, I can't go on like this_

_…_

_The runner just walks right up kneels down and sticks the connecter in Harper's port. Harper tenses and bits off a scream as his body goes limp in Trances arms. His eyelids flutter like he is dreaming and a few minutes later the lackey smile grows bigger, Harper comes to and the lackey pulls out the connecter and hands me a large some of credits. I can't help but wince thinking of what this money has cost us. "There is another run we need done if you are interested?"_

_ "We're not"_

_ "Really, cause we are the ones who paid for that port, very expensive and a great lost for us if it was taken from us."_

_ "Just leave" I said reaching for my gun, hoping he isn't going to push things. His smile gets annoyingly bigger, making me wonder how many teeth this guy has before he turns tail and goes out the airlock._

_ "Just remember, that port is ours" I almost yell well you can have it but I know what that means. They gut Harper and sell the port with his gray matter still attached. Although another piece of me wonders…_

_…_

_They shaved his head so if I pretend I can say it's not even him I am looking at. But those scared eyes could only belong to one person. No one else could have eyes that sad. I take his hand, trying to ignore the leather straps that keep him tied to the bed. 'Oh Harper, how did it get to this point? Why couldn't you have fought off those demons, you helped me fight off mine. I am sure we could have faced yours together.' I blink away the tears and turn to leave. As I go I know the look of betrayal in those eyes won't leave me behind._

_ The walk down the white hallway seems to take centuries, Rev and Trance wait for me at the end. Rev head is bowed, saying prayers to the Divine for Harper. Trance has tears silently flowing down her face. The plant that she brought for Harper still in her arms, they wouldn't let her bring it to him. She cradles it protectively in her arms and her tears water it. She nods to acknowledge that I am back. We all look at the door but none of us move towards it. We stand in the lobby, and odd trio that remains a member short._

_ "We can't do this Beka" Trance says through her tears._

_"What choice do we have" I say looking at the floor._

_…_

_"And I hear you have a fast ship and a good pilot"_

_ "one of the besss" I mutter grabbing my drink as it is set down on the table. I take a huge swig and wait for this idiot to get done with all of his fancy talk and tells me what illegal goods he wants me to take me where._

_ "Good, cause I need a new pilot." He said grabbing my hand and pulling me towards him while sticking a gun in-between my ribs_

_…_

_I struggle to get away and only find myself on the floor of the dock. The gun makes another appearance and I watch as it comes in at an arch towards my head. Stars explode which makes me laugh because there are no view ports here and no stars. I feel myself getting thrown over the man's shoulder and through the haze I know I am in trouble. Then again I am finding I don't really care._

Because people with no hope are easy to control

And whoever has the control

Has the power

Wolf-Never-Ending Story

__

__

The pounding in my head awoke me first, but my eyelids remained glued shut and I decide to let them stay that way. I had screwed up again; there was no reason to wake up and face the mess I had created. With any luck Rev and Trance would take the Maru and go off and make the universe a better place with me no longer around to destroy everything. The sound of metal scraping metal reverberates through my head, I finally force my eyes open and see only a blurry shape silhouetted in a door frame. Rapidly blinking the shape begins to form into a person but before I can make out any features the man speaks, even through the pounding in my head I know that voice with the first word.

"Beka? Baby, how did you get yourself into this mess?"

"Bobby?" I croak, still wishing my eyes would finish adjusting to the idea of being awake.

"Ya Bek, it's me" He whispers gently cradling my head in his lap. He lovingly holds me and plays with my hair till I fall back asleep.

I find myself waking to darkness again, but my hangover has lessened to a dull reminder, I am just beginning to wonder if I dreamed Bobby in my hangover state when the doors open. I wince at the bright light my head still not ready to deal with it, the door closes and he enters. Setting down a small tray with a lamp on it. He offers me a glass of water and slowly I sip it, rolling it over my tongue in an old habit of tasting for any strange additives. I put down the glass and stare into the last face I expected to see here.

"Bobby… what's… how… why…" I ask, he puts his hand to my lips and silences me.

"I am working on something Bek, something that'll fix everything."

"Everything?"

"Ya everything, I found the ultimate cause Bek, if I succeed everything will be better."

"How can you fix everything?"

"By going back to the beginning,"

"You can't go back to the beginning,"

"But what if I could, I found the way Bek, and after I go back everything will be better, the universe will be fixed. Think of all the lives we would make better"

"We?"

"Yes us, I need your help Bek,"

"If you need my help then why am I still in this room?"

"Sorry the captain didn't fully trust a person he took at gun point. But I will convince him. I love you, I hate seeing you kept prisoner like this. Don't worry I will have you free in a bit."

"I hate being trapped."

"I know I will free you from this prison soon, trust me"

"But you lied to me, how can I…"

"I had to, if I had told you the truth, you wouldn't have done the mission, we need the.."

"You could have told me, why, why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't want to…"

"Then why did you, damn it Bobby you didn't have to lie to me, you could have told me, I frelling trusted you, and and you did that... why did you have to lie to me, why does everyone lie?"

"Beka," He said trying to draw me into his arms, but I shove them away and spring to my feet crossing the small room screaming.

"No you promised never to lie to me, you told me you would never lie, you told me I could trust you" hot tears pour down my face, "I can't trust you, you were the last person I thought would hurt me, I trusted you with everything."

"I'm sorry, I never meant to…"

"I don't care what you meant to do, you did."

"I know, I know I am undeserving, but I can see what a fool I was, and I don't deserve to be forgiven, but Beka, I love you, I need you back in my life. I couldn't imagine doing this without you."

"I'm not ready to forgive you."

"I'll wait, but they won't" He said motioning to the door with his head. "I need you; together we can get off the ship and fix this messed up universe together."

"Can you give me a few hours to sort this out" I mutter sliding down the wall holding my head.

"I'll try, but you are their prisoner, I didn't know you were the hauler they hired till they brought you on board. I want you back, and I never will hurt you again. I love you too much." I nod through my tears but shove him away again as he moves in for a hug. He turns and leaves. Drawing my knees up to my chest I burry my head and let the tears flow, I never cry. Correction, I use to never cry, but Harper changed all that. With that name I cry harder, what was happening to him now that I had abandoned my friend, what was going on with the Maru, how are Trance and Rev. Oh how I wished for the simple days, but days where never simple. Bobby always seemed to make things simple, and for a few moments I could remember how wonderful it felt to trust him, to be able to trust that he would make everything alright, but would he, or would he lie to me again? I was strong; I could handle everything on my own. But lately all the balls had been dropping. Could I really find a way out of this mess, everything was so messed up. Damn Bobby for coming in and saying he could fix it all. Why did it take one smile from him to make all my armor crumble?

Why does the past always seem safer

Maybe because at least we know we made it

Chris Rice

"Beka, come on I need you to wake up." Bobby's voice gently breaks through the fog of my sleep. A small smile crosses my lips as old memories come to mind. Waking in his warm strong loving arms, the taste of his lips, and how I knew I could always trust him. Of course that had all disappeared the day I discovered he had lied, the day Harper came into my life. But thoughts of that fateful day leave my head as he wraps me up in his arms. Maybe people deserve second chances…

But can I really trust him, can I really trust anyone. I want to badly, but if I do I know the pain that comes with. "I would love to let you sleep, but I need you to wake up. There's no more time."

"How long?"

"Not as long as I would have liked to given you, but I need your decision now."

"Bobby, I can't trust you immediately after what you did."

"I know, and I would like to show you that I am trust worthy, and if it were up to me I would give you all the time in the world. But I am not in charge here, they are. And they say that you are either for or against the plan, the time for a decision is now."

"Bobby,"

"Bek, if you say no to them, it won't be pretty, for either of us."

"You're not making this easy."

"I can't make it any simpler, either you trust me or we both die!" He screams, then looks away, apologizing with his eyes.

"Fine, tell me what I have to do."

"Just trust me, well that and do what you do best." I just tilt my head and look him square in the eyes silently asking him what he means, "didn't that jerk Jack say they needed a good pilot." A smile crosses both our faces and I found myself being lead to the cockpit. "Its simple Bek, all we need is to follow this star chart to the plant Haz-Mare."

"What's on the planet that is so important you need to make thirteen jumps just to get there?"

"The solution to the universes problems, now just make the jumps!" Bobby said, eyeing the crew around us. Thirteen jumps through some of the toughest space around. What was Bobby up to, no matter I said I would trust him. Hell there is nothing I can do right now but trust him, he is right either I trust him or the crew has there way with me and I leave through an airlock. When did life get so complicated?

"Bobby, I can't" I mutter dragging out each word is a chore.

"Only a few more jumps and we are there."

"too tired."

"Few more and you can rest, have some more coffee." I try to drink the bitter liquid that is handed to me but it dribbles down my chin, I barely have the strength to hold the cup. I turn to beg Bobby for just a few hours of sleep, I don't even notice the cup has left my hand till he jumps. His movements startle me. I try to figure out what is happening through the fog. He is yelling about something, but I can barely make out the words. Their too fast and the fog surrounding me is too thick. My head slowly floats back to my shoulders as he throws a rag in my lap and storms off. I try to move to follow him, but instead of walking toward the door I find myself sitting in a warm puddle. Coffee, it's the coffee, and I am on the floor, I must have fallen. I stare at the rag and then slowly place it in the puddle, watching with amazement as it soaks up the coffee. I am floating again, but no, I am flying back to the chair. Someone is lifting me. It's Bobby, he puts me down and says something, I nodded my head and close my eyes. A sharp pain brings me back. My cheek is burning, my hand finds my face, but it is brushed away and I find myself looking into Bobby's eyes, he looks angry.

"Focus, you lose focus we all die."

"Can't" I mutter

"Yes you can." He yells, making me face forward in the chair.

"Need to sleep." I get out before my eyes close and my head dips, but it is picked up and my eyes pop open, and then begin to drift close again as Bobby talks.

"Beka you have to do it now, there is no time for you to sleep."

"Why?"

"Here this will help." He pushes my head back and forces my eyes open. I struggle but liquid is squirted on my face and finally into my eye, his aim is better with the next one. Flash, he gave me Flash?

"Flash?" I giggle.

"Trust me, it's the only way."

"Ok, whatever." I giggle again. I go back to the controls and back into the stream.

"Give me the Flash."

"One more jump."

"Flash and then I will pilot one more jump!" I yelled, reaching out for the bottle in Bobby's hands. The small bottle calls for me; I can hear it's voice in my head, screaming for me to free it from Bobby's claws.

"There isn't enough left for that."

"Listen if you want to make it there in one piece you better give me the flash!" I scream, jumping out of the chair and storming towards him.

"Bek," He says, putting the bottle away and holding up his hands.

"Don't Bek me; you wanna get there you better give." I begin pawing him for the flash, I get my hand into the pocket but he grabs it and forces me back to the chair.

"I can't you have to make the jump now." He said, forcing my hands back into the controls. Red angry hand prints are left on my arms, for a moment I wonder why they don't hurt. Then the anger comes back, how dare he tell me what to do. He can't force me to fly the ship. Besides I can't fly it right now, I need the flash.

"Bobby please I need the flash, I can't make the jumps without it."

"Fine," He hands over the bottle and greedily I put more drops in my eyes. With a manic smile I go back to the chair. Few more and we are done. I hate the flash, what it did to my father. What it is doing to me, but another part of me loves it. Hungers for it even, I can't live without it. Can't fly, can't think, can't breath without my precious flash. Why did Bobby give it to me, why is he now keeping it from me? He is against me, I was right not to trust him. I can't trust anyone. But as soon as we get to the planet I will take over the ship and have it all to myself. That and my flash, my ship and my flash all I need. Its like a song in my head, part of me loves the plan, the other knows the folly, but the flash clouds over the logic tills it's the only thought that remains in my head. I hug the bottle for a moment breathing in relief, but it is ripped out of my hands. Once again Bobby puts my arms back on the controls.

"Why do you have to keep the flash," I yell as we make the jump into the stream. Bobby falls on his side. Good, as long as he doesn't hurt the bottle of my flash it will all be good.

I am dying I know I am going to die. I grab my head willing the voices to stop, trying to make the pain going away. But I can feel my brain starting to come out through my head. Tiny men are slowly drilling my brain. My world is nothing but pain. I scream and hit the door with all of my might. The pain from my knuckle barely registers over the pounding in my head. I start to beat the door of my prison. I can feel warm blood start to flow down my arms but I don't care. I keep kicking and hitting, if I keep it up somehow I will get out. I have to get out. They took the flash and locked me in here. But if I get out I can get the flash. Take over the ship. They will be mine. I continue to work at escape but the haze in my head keeps growing. I feel my head separate from my body and start to float away.

(?)

Looked out my window last night from my pillow

And I saw the willow weeping a casual sigh

The man in the moon looked rather sad and confused

As if he become a mirror to my water eyes

I dreamed and prayed through the night

Please send some grace with the morning light

Chris Rice

__

_ I find myself in a mix of colors, painful reds mixed with yellow yelling and blue music. I see the colors take shape into a cat in front of me, I reach out to pet it and I am reward with a painful bit on the hand. I find myself falling out of the colors and landing hard on a wooden stage._

_The red curtain rises on the stage, I find myself standing on the maru with that stupid cat that bite me mewing at my feet. But the maru only has three walls, instead of the fourth wall there is a curtain and an audience. It is filled with random people all in high guard uniforms, but if I look closely their faces seem familiar. The maru is the same ship I grew up on but it is painted bright blues, greens, reds, yellows and every color of the rainbow. Giggling is heard from underneath the table in the mess. I turn and start towards it but I hear more sounds from the cabinets. "Come out!" I yell but giggling is the only answer. The cat pounces on my feet until I pick it up and place it in a basket sitting on the table. I pick up the basket and start to look around._

_ Harper swings in from the rafters, actually he more appears from above, but he is wearing solid pink, dark pink boots tucked into pink cargo pants with a Hawaiian shirt with a design of varying shades of pink over a pale pink t-shirt. I relies I am staring at the outfit and look up into his face. But the crown made of a several different pink gadgets makes me avert my eyes to the floor._

_ "Why do you look there for the answers you seek?" Harper says. "You will not find them there; you need to follow the yellow steel pipe."_

_ "What?"_

_ "Follow the yellow steel pipe at journeys end you will find the wizard, who will help you find answers you need, the Trancers will show you the way."_

_ "Who…" but before I can finish several small Trances pour out of every nook and cranny of the mess. All of them are Trance, but with different colored skin, hair and clothes some in clashing multi-colored suits with top hats, others in neon plaid knickers. All of them are chanting "Follow the yellow steel pipe" in sing song like chorus. I find myself being pulled along in the middle of the crowd of Trances through my own ship. The colors and machinery blends and I find myself in front of the slipstream drive._

_ There stands Rev, only he is in a green suit with a green top hat and green circle glasses. "Rev what's going on here?"_

_ "If you are wise your wisdom will reward you."_

_ "What?"_

_ "Leave you simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of understanding. Treasures of wickedness profit nothing: But righteousness divers from death. Hatered stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions."_

_ "Rev you are making no sense, none of this makes any sense."_

_ "Fools die for lack of understanding. What the wicked fears will come upon him But the desire of the righteous will be granted."_

_ "I don't understand!"_

_ "When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom."_

_ "I don't know what to do. Help me, why doesn't anything make sense."_

_ The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel."_

_ "I give up, I won't find answers here"_

_ "You're right" Harper's voice said. He appeared again from above, it his hand was a pink nano-welder with a glittery sliver star on top of it. "Answers must be found elsewhere."_

_ "Where?"_

_ "You'll know where when the time comes. Take this to guide you." He handed me a pair of shiny red mittens. "Till then remember," with that Harper moved so he was behind me and out of the corner of my eye I see the nano-welder wand heading for my head, but before it can hit a swirling pool of gray over takes me. I am falling, falling, and the end is coming soon I know. I can feel myself being swallowed by some forced, but I can also feel the mittens I grasp in my hands. A person fly's by on bike in a black dress cackling, it almost sounds like Bobby's laugh… but before I can think about it the inky blackness pulls me under._

Once again I find myself lying on my prison floor with a hangover from hell. The door creaks open. I roll away from the noise cringe roll into a tight ball and covering my eyes. I need to remind Harper to fix that door, it is killer to the hangovers… but the thoughts stop and a new nausea starts. One that isn't related to the pain in my head, Harper… the Maru… Trance…Rev… my friends, and its all gone. Somehow the lingering pain remains, stronger than this newest pain.

find myself being pulled into a sitting position and some liquid being poured down my throat. I gag and push the cup away, mutter and spitting the little that got in.

"Finally awake?"

"YES! No thanks to you." I yelled, opening my eyes, the face of some random crew member greets me. Scoot to the wall leaning my head back, "who are you, where's Bobby," I mutter.

"Names Schgul, I guess you could say I am closest thing to some sort of medical staff."

"Nice to met you… Spit-gul-a"

"Most people just call me Spike, easier that way. Now that you are feeling better do you want to get cleaned up and something to eat."

"Sure, but I thought I couldn't leave here?"

"I didn't get any orders about not letting you out, most of the crew is down planet side."

"And you are telling all this to a possible prisoner."

"I've spent the last few days force feeding you while you fought off munchkins…lets just say I don't see you as much of a threat right now."

Another yawn escaped from my mouth as I stared into the mug of coffee in front of me. Spike just gave me a laughing smile from across the table in the mess hall. "Want give it a rest for a while."

"No" another yawn came out with the reply. "I want to know what this ship is after? And you are the first person to talk to me besides Bobby."

"Sorry we haven't been the most social, but I don't know most of the crew myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I joined as a communication engineer, doctor, and general jack of all trades. What can I say the job offered more money than I could pass up, but I wonder if I should have. I've done some questionable stuff over the years, but well… the things I have seen, over heard… makes me wonder. I mean went I signed up there where other guys more qualified, but the deciding factor was where we grew up… I mean what advantage does someone growing up on a drifter colony have verses someone from a planet… You're not the only prisoner I have seen, and the others are in worst shape… I might be one of the crew…but I am given only small jobs… nothing related to the reasons I was supposedly brought on…and if I even think of stepping outside of an allowed area…I don't trust the crew…I want out…but I am trapped now."

"We both are." I mutter and so is Bobby, which has to be the case, the only reason he is here. Why we all are here.

Bobby stumbles into the mess, he is covered with dirt, he takes one look at me and turns, slamming right into Capitan Jack, the guy who recruited me by gun point. Before I could ask what was happening I was being dragged by Jack back into the tiny storage closet that has been my room for this journey. Voices echo outside but I can't make out what they are saying. I sit down and lean my head against the wall, wondering what is happening outside.

It's a few hours later, or so I think when Bobby walks in. The mud from earlier is gone, but not the expression on his face. I know all of Bobby's faces, this is his pissed off face, the face I learned never to mess with. "Beka! Why did you leave, don't you know what could have happened."

"No Bobby I don't know what could have happened. I don't know anything cause you refuse to tell me anything!" I yell back, surprising myself. I never use to yell at Bobby, especially when he was so irritated.

"When did you get a frelling backbone?" He yelled. "Darn it Beka, you can't leave this area! You can't know what is going on!"

"Why freaking not!"

"Because you can't…"

"That answer doesn't work anymore!"

"Fine, you want to see what is happening, I'll take you planet side tomorrow, but if you frell this up… well I don't want to think about what will happen." With that Bobby stormed out. What was happening? Well tomorrow I would find out… the question is did I want to?

The next morning I find myself eating breakfast with the crew for the first time since I was brought on board. Everyone was quiet and eyeing each other. I could see what Spike meant, there was clearly those who know what was going on, and those left in the dark. Jack entered the room and stood on top of a table. "Well today's the day." Jack announced. "Today with the help of the Paz-Havily Crystal we change the universe."

Bobby stood on the table next to Jack, "Some of you have heard the tale of the Paz-Havily Crystal, those who have heard the story might have thought it was just a fairy tale, like the Shards of Remmi. That it couldn't really be real, or even work if it was real.

Well for those of you who don't know, the crystal was said to be formed during one of the last battles in the fall of the common wealth. The only two ships to live through the battle where badly damaged. They both crashed landed on the planet. As in all great fairy tales of the era, one common was wealth the other Nietzschean. The survivors where forced to work together to live. Friendships followed by romances occurred between the two crews and twins where born from a human and nietzschean couple, a boy and a girl, Paz and Havily.

The settlement that had been founded was destroyed by the Drago-Kazov. They killed the adult nietzscheans that had contaminated themselves by working with the crew of the commonwealth ship. The humans they made slaves that mined the planet for ore. The Nietzschean children of the village where taken for reeducation, with them went Paz and Havily, they lived with the nietzscheans until they where five, when their bone spurs didn't come in, blood tests revealed their mixed heritage. The caretakers that had raised them had grown 'weak' and refused to kill them.

Finally they where killed, their hearts removed from their corpuses and hung in center of the complex. Over time they turned green, molded together, and turned hard as a rock. The hearts where found to have 'magical' properties, the power to change situations, almost as if the events leading up to them never happened. This power couldn't be understood or controlled and it scared even the hardest nietzschean. They tried to destroy them, but hearts had become as hard as crystal, and no power in the universe seemed to be able to break them. So the nietzscheans hid the hearts, as far off as they could, so no one could use the power of them against them. The hearts became known as the Paz-Havily Crystal, and pasted into legend.

But we have figured out, from the legend how to control the Paz-Havily crystal, and together, we will change the fall of the commonwealth. Imagine a world where we no longer have to scrape to get by, where we have more power than the nietzscheans. Imagine earth being a slave planet, humans living drifter colonies and thousands more living from low playing job to job are things of the past, or more things that have never happened." The crew cheered, I had to agree. It sounded like the perfect universe Bobby had talked about. But how was he going to get it, could one crystal do all that?

The crew trooped down to the planet. There we found a giant stone monument craved from the mountain side. One by one we filed inside down the narrow pathway. I found myself standing behind Spike and in front of Bobby as we snaked through the tunnel. Bobby placed his hands on my hips and placed his chin next to my ear. "I told you I could solve the universes problems."

"But why didn't you want me to see this?"

"Because, what we are doing… what has to be done… its not pretty Bek… you're not going to like it… I wanted to protect you from seeing it." He said drawing me closer so we were almost waddling.

"Seeing what?" I asked coming to the end of the tunnel. There was a doorway only a few feet high. Bobby let me go and I followed Spike through, I straighten up and found myself in a dome shaped cavern the ceiling several stories high, with a green crystal mounted at its peak. "Is that?" I whisper to Bobby as he stood up.

"Yes" He whispered back, pulling me next to him with a sideways hug. "It's the Paz-Havily Crystal." I give him a smile and find myself being drawn into a kiss which I happily return. It seems like for once this will work, we will make the universe work, for us and for everyone.

I move out and lean against Bobby when I see Jack's men move behind Spike and grab him. Another one takes a hold of a young blonde girl, and a third a another man. They look surprise and struggle as they are brought to the middle of a raised circular platform that is directly under the crystal.

"Bobby what's…" but I never finish as I see a fourth person being brought in, pale, hairless, and dressed in solid white I still recognized Harper from across the room. He is almost a skeleton now, being supported by two men on either side of him. I didn't even know I had started to move towards him till Bobby's arms stopped him, pulling me back to him.

"He's the key element, when he was on earth the nietzscheans ran experiments, worked to make a person that could control the stone, then by control him the could control the past, present, and future. All he need was a dataport and the right software downloaded."

"How could you." I growl.

"Bek, he's the key, a simple mudfoot but yet the key to the perfect universe, when this is all over the world will be a better place for everyone, the sacrifice of the few for the many. Simple logic, trust me."

"Few? Spike, the other three?" I find my voice rising and I am shaking, this can't be happening.

"We need a piece of what we hope to change, people whose lives will be changed, a drifter colony kid, a mudfoot, a nietzschean slave, a street rat from a space station and a great great so on grandkid of a highguard. You see we are going to change history, the commonwealth won't fall, people won't live on drifter colonies due to their planet being destroyed or over run. Slaves, earth and the mudfoots won't exist. Humans won't live day to day just trying to get by and the tradition of the highgaurd will be maintained."

"So you are going to… for… why…" I can't even form the words I am so horrified, never have I even thought that it would cost the lives of people for this better universe.

"We have to, watch and soon this whole existent will seem like a bad dream." He said pulling me in closer and holding me tightly to him. With a nod to someone I couldn't see Harper was dragged to the central platform where a door opened revealing a room underneath the platform, the light causes the structure to become see-through and I watch as jack was forced into Harper's port. Harper pulled his knees to his chest and started to whimper. Bobby grips me tighter, but all my energy is focused on watching Harper, as if I can somehow give him strength by sheer will power alone. Harper lets out a scream and the crystal starts to glow and descend. His scream turns into a chorus as Spike and the other people tied to the platform begin to scream as well.

The crew of the ship cringed as they listen. One by one they turn and leave till only Jack, Bobby and I remain to watch the horrible show in front of us. At some point my screams are added into those of the dying people. Harper eyes roll back and he begins seizing. Tears roll down my face, and I struggle to get away from Bobby.

I feel like I am dreaming, as I watch my best friend up there dying, and knowing I am playing a role. "Please, please, please," I start chanting over and over something happens I am standing on the streets of a dirty slave planet as a band of magog comes down to raid. Screams fill the streets and I am running with a group of dirty mudfoots, slowly we disappear down below the street, I find myself looking for someone, being brought into the arms of a stranger and hugged like a small child.

I am again back on the corner as screams fill the air, but they are my own, as pain fills my world. All I can see is the dirt of the street, until the pain stops and I hear footsteps leave, I roll onto my back. The pain almost makes me past out, and I find myself staring at the stars, past the shacks and dirt to the stars above.

As suddenly as these flashes of images began they are gone, I am being cradled in Bobby's arms. "Beka, Beka baby come back to me." The screams are gone, as the world comes into focus I look for harper but we are out of the caves, I am sitting on the grass outside in Bobby's arms.

"Bobby, stop, please stop it.." I plead.

"Beka it this has to happen." He whispers in my ear.

"No, not like this…" I plead.

"It's the only way, do you really want to continue living in this universe, where everyone is just scraping to get by." He says accenting every phrase by shaking me.

"No, but Bobby does it have to be like this." I beg, feeling myself almost going limp.

"It's the only way."

"It can't be the only way, there has to be another way."

"There isn't, don't you think I hate this as much as you."

"Look at him, look at them, this is murder."

"But it will save lives."

How can you say you are changing the universe for the better if it means taking five lives?"

"Its only five people think of how many it will save."

"How many lives justify murder? Bobby I can't standby and watch this happen." I yelled, to this day I don't know what I did in those next few minutes. I snapped, I knew I could no longer trust Bobby. I slammed my head up and back, hitting Bobby in the face. I elbowed him in the gut at the same time. With him doubled over I got up and ran back to the cave. Bobby was on my tail and Jack hearing the struggle from inside stood in front blocking my way. I grabbed Jack's head and brought it into my knee, knocking him out for the moment. I snatch his gun out of his holster and pointed it at Bobby.

"Back off," I yell. He nodded, edging his way out of the cave. "Stay here," I growled, climbing onto the platform and into the glowing light that from the crystal that encompassed the whole thing. Again I found myself somewhere else, I was standing on a drift, holding out my hands, asking for money but people continued to pass me by, until one burly man shoved me down slamming my head against a wall. I was being held in someone's arms, being rocked to sleep and told a story about my high guard relative, while I played with an old brass metal. I was sitting on the maru, piloting as a little girl with tears down my eyes, wanting nothing more than a real home and family.

When I came out of the visions again Jack was knocked out. Bobby was shot in the thigh. The crystal was in shards on the floor and Spike and the other 'sacrifices' where free and standing around me as I cradle Harper in my lap still holding on to Jack's gass gun. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…" I murmur over and over to the limp body in my arms. I feel the gun leave my hands and Harper is lifted up, but I reach out for him. "No, don't take him." I beg, convinced it will be the last time I ever see him if he goes now. "I can't lose him, it's all my fault, I wanted to fix things but everything is worst, and there is no way to change it all."

I burry my head in my hands weeping uncontrollably when my chin is lifted, "look," Spike whispers to me. Harper is floating in the air surrounded by a green light. The shards of the crystal turn to liquid and then move across the floor forming into two separate shapes. The shapes rise off the ground and are encompassed by the glowing forms of a boy and a girl, dressed in rags. "What men have meant for evil, the Devine will use for good," before my eyes Harper's hair grows back and forms its mess of spikes, his face fills back out and he looks healthier than before then dataport was ever installed. He is brought back down and gently laid in my lap.

I look around noticing other changes are going on as well, Jack and Bobby remain out, but their wounds are healed. The lingering headache from the flash is gone as well, as well as the longing for in my soul. The two children stop glowing and turn to face all of us, "there is no magical cure to the universes problems, no way to control it or the riches of this world, but for those who seek it there is always a way to make a difference in a positive way." With that the two children reach out grasping the other's hands and fade away.

I don't know how long I sat there staring at where the children had been. Trance stood in front of me with one of her knowing smiles. She picked me up and helped me to my feet. Rev bent down and gently picked up Harper. "What about…" but I stopped my sentence as I looked around the completely empty cavern.

"Come on Beka, the Maru is waiting outside."

He doesn't think that one little boy could be that important

The Child-Like Empress; The Never-Ending Story

Ok I don't own the wizard of oz, all the quotes belong to who said them, except for revs lines from the dream which are all from the book of proverbs so they belong to Solomon and God I guess…


End file.
